So free of courage
Butterflies will keep from
The one thing I am meant to do,
The sickly feeling
Gets me every time.
I was supposed to tell my boss that I got the job today… and I wimped out. Which is typical Rachel behaviour, and makes me realise what a flake I can sometimes be. There are occasions where many seven year olds would have more courage than I can muster.
I spoke to Noah about it when I got home and it made me realise that drinking has a lot to do with this. I spent fifteen years masking my feelings with booze and now, when those feelings become too strong, I find it really hard to cope.
Whenever I had a difficult email to send, or I had to listen to my voicemails, or open a brown envelope, I could have a couple of vodkas and I would just about have the confidence to do what I needed to do.
Now, it physically hurts me to do these things with no crutch. But this is all a part of recovery and I will do it and I will learn to become a fully functioning adult.
For now, I’m just a bit of a melt.