just for today

They tell me that I must live in the moment,

Take one day at a time

And forget about that distant future

That could be anything at all.

But I think it’s better to live by the breath

Because each one may be my last.

Breathe in and out and marvel in the fact

That I am alive for this perfectly sculpted moment,

For it was chiselled by God as a gift for me.

I’m thinking of studying again and it will mean getting a student loan (which is scary because I’ve never done that). It’s all very exciting and scary all at once, but because of the person that I am, I am often likely to spend too long thinking about the future, both good and bad.

But I also know that this can be dangerous. It can cause worry if things could go badly. Or it can cause me to rush into decisions if I’m happy and excited.

So right now I am really trying hard to live in the moment. I’m not even living in the day. Every breath is a moment that I should savour. I need to think like this in order to stay sane!

If you are going through any kind of stressful situation then I hope you are able to breathe through it and feel grateful for all the blessings in your life.

Much Love

Rachel xx

the moon in a teacup

He perched on the edge of the stool

A teacup in his hand

Peering out through the window

At the charcoal smudged view.

“What’s in the cup?” I asked.

“The moon,” he replied.

“I got it for you, so you’d love me more.”

He proffered the cup

With sadness in his eyes.

He knew I would never

Take the moon from him

When I had already taken

The stars from another.

the boy i loved from near

We sat across the table in companionable silence.

He was bent over his crossword

And I just watched as I nursed a coffee mug,

Shouting out answers to clues he was stuck on.

I loved him,

But I never told him.

So can I blame him that he found someone else?

Still, it aches more than anything I’ve ever felt

To watch his relationship play out in shots

Perfectly captured on her Instagram.

Next time I’ll be braver and bolder

And swallow the fear that I’ll be beaten down.

I’ll tell him what’s really on my heart.

And maybe next time I won’t have to suffer

This pain in my chest

All for the boy that I loved from near.

We always talk about loving someone from afar, but I often find that most of my secret crushes have been for men who I know really well as friends first. So I feel like we should be saying ‘I loved you from near’ instead.

I had one male friend who I spent loads of time with. We went running and we would eat together on every Saturday night. I told all my friends about him and between us girls we had pretty much married me off to him.

However, I hadn’t had that conversation with him. Perhaps it was because I was scared of rejection, of losing a great friendship. But the fact remains that I didn’t tell him I liked him until it was too late.

He found a girlfriend, I lost my shit and now I don’t see him at all.

It’s so sad that it had to pan out like that but it has taught me that I should try to overcome these insecurities and just go for it. It’s a pity that it’s the hardest thing to do when you are already friends.

If you are struggling to tell somebody that you like them, I think you just need to bite the bullet and tell them. I wouldn’t want you to lose a good friend like I did, and all because I didn’t have the confidence the handle the situation like and adult.

Much Love

Rachel xx

progress not perfection

Slow and steady

That’s what my parents said to me.

But I didn’t listen and hurtled on,

And let me tell you, the crash was spectacular.

*

Now I crawl along at a glacial speed

And sometimes *shock* *horror*

I might stop to take a break

Or stumble backwards for a week or two.

*

But that is fine, really it’s fine.

Because after years of toil and trouble,

Thinking I’m fighting a losing battle,

I take a break on the side of my mountain,

Hands on hips and head held high,

And I see that I’ve travelled so bloody far.

There’s more to climb but that’s neither here nor there.

The thrill comes from the knowing I’ve moved

Further than I thought I ever would,

Achieving more than I ever could.

One of my favourite little mantras that I hear in recovery is ‘Progress Not Perfection’. I love it because it’s positive in so many ways.

Firstly, it encourages me to slow down. When I was drinking I always wanted to do everything at a million miles an hour. I wanted that promotion NOW, I wanted that boy to love me NOW. It went on and on and on.

Now, I still feel myself getting carried away but I know to slow down, take my time and enjoy the journey. It doesn’t matter if I’m not at the top of the company that I work for. If I can just turn up every day and do a good job, then that is progress.

It also stops me beating myself up over mistakes I make. I recently got signed off work again with anxiety. I immediately started to beat myself up over it, telling myself that I was still a loser who couldn’t even handle a job in a petrol station.

However, this time around I got back to work after a week and I haven’t made a total hash of everything. Sure, I got signed off, but I have a lot on my plate. The thing that matters is that my behaviour is changing, slowly but surely.

I was told that I should always look back once every so often. Really stop and look at where you are and where you were and it’s normally really surprising (in a nice way)!

Make sure you all give yourselves a break and stop aiming for perfection. Just try to be better; that’s more than enough to ask of anyone.

Much Love

Rachel xx

speaking in tongues

They speak in tongues

As they bowl their way down

Yellow painted corridors

Elbows in ribs

And raucous shouts.

But what is a Tik Tok

If it’s not the sound of a clock?

And since when is a Fornite

Not the name for two weeks?

I feel way out my depth

As I stand to one side

And let the group pass.

I’m just a ghost

Not worth the space

Cos I’m just too old

To know what they say.

I visited a school the other day to get a taste for teaching. It was a really great experience and has made me really keen to get into the profession.

BUT I did feel incredibly old. There was a whole new language that they used that I didn’t understand in the slightest. The number of websites and TV programmes and music artists that I don’t know is astounding.

And it made me feel really old! I remember being a kid and just rolling my eyes at my teachers and parents when they didn’t know what we were talking about. But now I’m on the receiving end of the eye rolls.

I think that if I do get into teaching I probably need to switch back to Radio One!

Much Love

Rachel xx

you’ve been verified

Am I even a worthwhile human

If nobody knows my name?

What if I find myself

Lying on my death bed

And realising that I

Have never been verified?

Because what is the point of this life

Without a little blue tick

On Twitter or Insta?

*

But would that blue tick

Have made me much happier?

Or in this cruel world

Does it just make you sick?

I have been watching Love Island on catch up TV. I know this will probably lower me in most people’s estimation, but I love a bit of mindless TV when I’m doing my crochet and trying to unwind.

But watching it has made me think a little bit about why people go on shows like that. A lot of it is down to getting some fame, but I have started to wonder at what cost?

There have been a couple of suicides linked to the show over the last year or two. Although nobody can say that the show was the cause, it makes me think that sometimes the instant fame might be a little too much for some people.

I hope that we won’t continue to live in a world where fame and followers are people’s number one obsession because it’s really not the answer. Happiness comes from within and I think sometimes people don’t realise that at all.

So remember that a blue verification tick isn’t going to solve all of your problems. surround yourself with good people and do things with your time that make you truly happy. Yes, you do have to work but work to live rather than the other way around (unless you’re lucky enough to have a job you really love, of course).

Be Happy

Rachel xx

Everyone’s playing a game

Everyone’s playing a game,

Cards held close to chests

With poker face

And clammy hands.

Sounds brutal when we talk of love,

But let’s face it,

Do you want to get your heart

Stolen when the chips are down?

And don’t you do the same?

I think that everyone has to play a game when it comes to love. That’s not because we are all heartless, but because nobody wants to get hurt.

Opening up for love puts you in such a vulnerable position and it reminds me of players sitting around a table playing poker. All parties are nervous and need to be careful, but there comes a point where you have to show your hand. If you entered the game, you need to be able to see it through.

I think that perhaps we need to be a little bit more open to one another. It feels unnatural to hold back like this and I think the world would be a much nicer place if we weren’t constantly worried that the other person is hiding their true motive.

That said, some people do have horrible motives, so I can understand why people want to be careful before they open up fully.

Oh, wouldn’t life be so much better if we weren’t all out for ourselves?

Much Love,

Rachel xx

the boy that was magic

We sat in lines and I

Could only see his hair

And a little of his nose

But I knew from just the way

He raised his hand and spoke

To the class who held their breath

Collectively

It was first sight love en masse

There are some people who just have that magic about them. I have no idea how they do it, but they are the people that change the chemistry of a room when they walk into it. In some ways I envy those people, but in others I quite like to just quietly admire them from afar.

Much Love

Rachel xx

high school reunion

Sitting side by side, no words pass

As the windscreen’s battered by the rain

I still hear music echo in my mind

It was loud in there, too loud to think

But leaving while the party swung

Would look uncouth, I’d be seen as rude

I saw it though, so how could I stay

I ran with handbag held aloft

To shelter from the driving rain

You followed close behind, you had the keys

Confused and angry, embarrassed, you said

slamming the car door shut behind

I don’t have words for you and so we sit

In silent anger, remembering the look

That passed between the two of you

The two of you who hadn’t seen each other

Since your days at school

And now she wears the shapely dress

A red and flaming beacon

In amongst those faceless shapes

That danced across the floor

I knew that it could be the end

And so I ran because

It’s the only thing I know to do.

coward

They describe it as yellow

But that feels too sunny

Because this is a dark and lifeless emotion

It barricades out all of the love

And what is a life lived behind the glass plate

Never to know what it could be like

To sing alongside the love of my life

In a smoke laden bar

Where nobody listens

As they patiently nurse

Their precious real ale.

But we wouldn’t care as we finally touch

Skin to skin as voices lace together

And the prison is gone.

I have been single for so long and I know that the main reason is because I’m a coward. I don’t say this because I hate myself, but because I know that I run on fear and a lot of it is because of the way that I was brought up.

I was taught that if I wasn’t perfect, I was not worthy of love and this fear has followed me into adulthood. I’m so worried that if I let my guard down a partner will see my flaws and completely reject me.

It’s all because I’m a coward and that is dark; it’s not yellow.

If you are struggling with the fear of letting down your barriers, I completely understand. Being vulnerable is so hard but I know that it’s fragile. It’s made of glass and once it’s been smashed through, life becomes easier. The first step is always the hardest, so take it.

Much Love

Rachel xx