I really do believe that everything is written out in the stars, our journeys already mapped out before we are even born. And when it comes to love it is no difference. We are put in the queue in the supermarket at the right time so that we can be there at exactly the same moment as the love of our life. I don’t think it’s an accident that they are there.
I sometimes find it funny though, that something as monumental as a lifetime of memories built together can rest on something as simple as whether we bought our bread and milk at the right time and in the right store.
So often we can be with somebody for decades and when we look back at that first meeting we realise how easy it could have been to miss that moment altogether.
And it really does pass in the blink of an eye. One moment you are twenty and making eyes at somebody in the next line and the next thing you realise you have grandchildren and you’re both slipping away from this earth.
I think it’s Christmas and New Year that makes me think this way. Something new could be beginning in the next twelve months and it’s a lovely thought. But at the same time there will be people that we lose over the next year and with them a whole load of memories will vanish.
Make the most of the time you have with these people. Enjoy the dance, even when it’s a little tricky. And most importantly, make sure that 2020 is filled with memorable moments and strong relationships that are good for your soul.
Christmas was hard this year. I missed my mum. I texted her but I got no answer and it hurt more that I can put into words. However, it has made me aware that until I let go, I’m stuck. I have to accept that she is not coming back. She has made her position very clear and although the next few steps that I take are going to be very painful, they are very necessary if I want to begin to heal.
Sometimes the steps forward are the hardest as you tear away from the old and start something new. I see it a little like two sides of a sheet of corrugated cardboard being pulled apart. It is difficult and you will leave parts of yourself behind, still attached to the other side, but you can do it.
If you’re struggling to make that step forward in a part of your life then I know exactly what you are going through. Just remember that it’s not necessarily over forever. Jack may die in the movie, but you can watch it again from the beginning and there he is again. Just give it a while so that the plot is hazy in your mind, the edges are softened a little.
I believe in you and I hope that 2020 can begin to heal some of the wounds that you may have acquired this year.
She sat at the kitchen table and looked down at her left hand. The wedding band already seemed alien to her, like it didn’t belong.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “But I really do love her.”
He wiped a tear from his eye and she wondered what he had to cry about. It was he who had made the choice. This was all in his hands.
“So what now?” she asked.
“I have a cab waiting for me downstairs,” he said, more to his feet than to her.
“It’s Christmas Eve,” she said.
“I know,” he replied. “Let’s not make this any more painful than it needs to be.”
She felt her eyebrows raise but she remained calm. He flinched as his fingers tightened around the handle of his suitcase. He dipped his head and slipped out of the apartment quietly. The door clicked shut behind him and she was bathed in a heavy silence.
She removed her ring from her finger and dropped it into the champagne flute on the table in front of her. She was reminded of the day that he proposed as she swilled the ring around in her glass. He had dropped it into her glass that day, as they sat in the fancy restaurant. It had been the happiest day of her life.
Without thinking, she pulled the glass back and forcefully launched it at the closed door. It smashed satisfyingly against the wood, glass skittering across the floor. It was over. She smiled a half smile as she rose to her feet and left the room.
I spent the entirety of my twenties worrying that everyone was perfect and I was the only one with any flaws. I saw the other school mums who had loving husbands and beautiful houses and I had none of that. It was hard to bear witness to, but it was all a lie.
It took a lot of therapy but I soon realised that we all have problems and a lot of it goes on behind closed doors. Those Stepford Wives that I wanted to be just like, they have arguments with their husbands and their kids sometimes misbehave. It’s human to have ups and downs and none of these people are robots.
We all struggle and it’s especially the case at this time of the year. Even the most put together person is probably going to have a cry at some point this week, so don’t worry about it. Just get your turkey in the oven and enjoy some good food. If you get through it without killing anyone you’ve probably done quite well.
In trusting you, in loving you, in letting you in.
But bubbles, they burst, and so do these,
And as I pour these memories from my kettle
I know that all you did was test my mettle.
I often picture memories as bubbles that are settle on the bottom of a container and when they are ready to be released they boil to the top. I try to imagine that each memory is contained inside the bubble and I can almost view it as something that I can hold. It’s fragile though. It can burst at any time, and sometimes that’s a good thing.
As I was writing this I wasn’t sure what the heat represented, but I think that it’s therapy and working on myself. It’s meant that I have had to turn the heat all the way up and let those memories simmer away. It’s quite relieving really.
Maybe you should try boiling away some of the bad things tucked away in your mind. Just be mindful that sometimes it’s hot and it can really hurt when you get burnt. But it’s never quite as painful as your original trauma, and one day it will all be better. I hope and pray that you get that relief.
I feel like I’m being blamed for a breakdown in a relationship and I don’t know how I could have done anything differently. Have you ever had that feeling? It’s an uncomfortable knot that forms in your gut and it’s horrible because there’s fuck all you can do about it. It feels like being pushed out to sea without a paddle. My worry is that the person on the beach now has all the power and I am left feeling utterly alone and terrible.
The only way that I can see myself getting through this is by handing it over to a Higher Power and just hoping that I wash up safely on the other side. I have to remember that I have no control over other people so I can’t force them to love me. All I can do is wave goodbye and hold my head high.
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