stress on the brain

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Frazzled and ugly,

Singed at the edges

With the unbearable heat

Of a stressful event.

I am the worst at dealing with stress. It was probably the main reason why I ended up drinking so much; anything to get rid of that feeling of having my brain on fire.

I am coming to the end of half term so I’m getting that scratchy feeling in my brain as I prepare to go back to school.

And the thing that I notice the most when I am stressed is that I have an awful memory – like, really awful.

This weekend I was supposed to be running a marathon and I had it in my head that I was supposed to be running on Sunday. This afternoon, I realised that it was supposed to be today. I have officially missed the race that was supposed to make me feel better for missing the race I couldn’t go to because I had COVID.

So that makes me very pissed off.

However, I am determined to not dwell on misfortune and I will run a marathon around the trails near my house. I can even fashion a little medal out of tinfoil to put around my neck once I’m finished.

Much Love

And here’s to a better memory,

Rachel xx

does it make me really shitty?

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If I curl up on the sofa

With the curtains closed,

Watching videos about books

And pretending there’s no life

Outside these few square metres,

Does that make me shitty,

A person to be hated

Or at least scorned today?

I have had a rule since I started my teacher training and then my ECT years, and that is to make it into work, no matter what. There will be exceptions made if I’m vomiting or need to spend a lot of time in a bathroom, but I am absolutely not allowed to skip a day because I feel anxious.

I have had so much time off over the last ten years because of anxiety and depression, just because life builds up and I’ve not had the skills to deal with it. I still struggle, but now that I have a job where people really depend on me, I make sure that other areas of my life will suffer before work does.

The rule is that every social situation will go out of the window before I need to take time off, and that has worked for two years now – and I’m super proud of myself for managing that.

However, that has meant that I’ve regularly let people down when I’ve been invited places and it really pains me to think that other people might hate me for my flakiness.

I can’t even begin to tell you how crushing the weight is as social situations creep nearer and how shitty I feel when I inevitably end up sending a hurried last minute text to cancel.

Part of me wonders what my life would look like if I could keep pace with everyone else. I’m proud of mastering the work situation but it hurts to think of the trail of people who don’t like me because I guess my behaviour is rude.

Are there any other flakes out there? Because I love you and I feel your pain. Stay strong, we’re not horrible people – we just need good people to help build us back up, not knock us further down.

Much Love

Rachel xx

what should i do if there’s no way out?

There can be times

When your problems appear

Far too big.

They swallow you whole

And when you are in

The depths of its belly

It feels much easier

To just curl up and let

Your life get digested.

*

But always remember

There’s someone outside

Who is willing to kill

That monster you’re in.

I’m having so many big decisions to make at the moment and it feels like I’m being swallowed whole. It really feels like the problems and choices that I need to make are bigger than me and rather than fight, I just want to give up.

I won’t because I have my son to think of. He keeps me trudging along no matter what, but when I get to one of these dark places some pretty ugly and disturbing thoughts can cross my mind. I think that other people have them too, I just worry that sometimes I’m not strong enough to fight past them. Sometimes, on my way to work, the urge to just drive on and keep going is so intense that I’m quite surprised when I arrive at my destination safely.

I really hope that you are not going through pain at the moment but if you are, do remember that there is always someone who is going to miss you if you are gone. You may not even realise it, but there will be someone. Perhaps it could just be the postman who you say good morning to every day? Whatever the case, there will be someone out there who feels sad that you are no longer there.

Stay strong and make sure that you give yourself time to step back from the problem and look at it from a different perspective. Normally, something that is stressing you out now, will have no impact on you in five years time, so don’t make any rash decisions because you can’t see a way out right now. Talk to people and reach out for help if things are really bad.

Much Love

Rachel xx