am i bad?

I had a conversation at church today because I’ve had a lot of battles in my mind and I felt like I just needed to speak to someone about it.

I don’t know about anyone else who is a Christian and came to faith as an adult, but I’ve always had this nagging feeling that I’m evil and that I’m going to be one of those people that is going to hell. I feel this even more because my mum doesn’t talk to me and I feel like you do have to be really evil for your mother to turn her back on you.

I have got to the point where I’m questioning myself and whether or not I’ve deserved the abandonment. However, speaking to someone at church they told me that she has pushed the whole family away, not me.

It’s just interesting that we hang onto the feelings that we have as a child that if our parent is angry at us we must have done something wrong. Perhaps that’s just me as I do know that it was something I explored when I went to counselling.

Since I was really small I was always worried that my mum was going to kill herself because of me and those feelings have lingered into my adult life. Whenever I upset her, as a child, she could sometimes disappear for days or wouldn’t speak to me for weeks. I thought that was quite normal but at therapy I was told that it’s bordering on neglect.

My point is, that we carry a lot from our childhoods and being a Christian has sometimes really not helped me at all because I feel like there is no such thing as a loving parent; their love must always come with conditions.

I’m working through this and I think that I need to read my Bible more and listen to talks and remind myself that there is love in this world, and anyone who is feeling the same as me needs to be reminded that too.

Much Love

Rachel xx

Motivation (a poem)

I think motivation is such an interesting thing. I sometimes lack it so much and then I beat myself up. But should I do that? I think that sometimes we need a rest and we need to appreciate that. Sometimes it is actually OK to just sit in front of the TV and relax.

I’ve always struggled with the idea that I’m allowed to rest; always thinking that I have to be on the move. Even when I’m sitting watching TV I like to have the laptop on my knee or to be doing some crochet. I always feel as though I need to be creating and I wonder how healthy that really is?

On the other hand, it’s sometimes really fun to back out of things at the last minute because you just can’t be bothered but it can become a bit addictive. You do it once, and then twice and then before you know it you’ve paid for a month gym membership and you’ve not been even once.

So once again it’s all about finding that balance. Finding that sweet spot where you’re not being lazy but you’re also not burning yourself out. This is obviously something that’s really hard for people who struggle with addictions because life is all about the extremes.

I am still trying to find that balance and funnily enough, writing a blog is helping. When you commit to putting up one post a day you have to do it. I don’t need to write a novel, but I’m doing something every day. Normally I’m the kind of girl who starts running and then decides to do a 100 mile race or starts swimming and then trains to swim the channel (I kid you not!) Then when I’m not feeling it, I won’t swim for three years and the idea of getting myself to the pool is enough to make me feel sick.

I’m sure that most people just struggle with actually getting out of the door for that run and I can completely sympathise. The advice I would give you is to take a deep breath and just do it. Nine times out of ten you will feel so much better when it’s done. But do be kind to yourself. Ask why you want to do what you’re doing; what’s the motivation behind it? Are you doing it because it’s going to benefit you, or serve the community, or are you just doing it because you want praise or more money to spend on something mindless?

With that in mind, here’s a little poem for all of us who struggle to find motivation from time to time.

I know that I should really do some writing,

If my career is to have a chance that’s fighting.

I know a session at the gym is due,

I want to go; I really, really do.

But when I try to leave this sofa,

I realise I’m becoming quite the loafer.

I can’t be bothered to find my kit,

I tell myself that I’ll get moving in a bit.

What I need is a cattle prod,

Because we all know I’m a lazy little sod.

I know that if I did a wee bit more,

My body, my career, my freakin’ life would soar.

If I’d just write, or run, or even play some tennis,

I could be like Rowling or have the abs of Ennis.