could i have done it before?

clear glass heart shaped ornament
Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva on

Feeling a bit fragile with cracks forming fast,

Would I be able to seal them all up

With inadequate glue sticks and duct tape for strength?

But everyone sees that breaks that afflict

And so it’s quite easy for them to unpick.

Now I have tools, and suitable glue,

Delicate resin to hide the fine cracks,

Keeping me strong in pressurized times,

Getting back up, when life hits me hard.

When I was in my twenties I tried several times to climb the slippery corporate ladder – and quite unsurprisingly, I failed quite badly. And it was because I was too wobbly and fragile. I couldn’t handle the knocks that came with the added responsibility.

I did my teacher training because I felt that I had been sober for long enough and I had had enough therapy. I’m still wobbling all over the place and, if you read my post on Monday, you will know that I still cry (probably a little too much).

I do sometimes wonder if I could have done all of this any earlier in my life. I feel like the answer would probably be ‘no’.

Yesterday, I had an awesome conversation with the Head of House and today I had a great lesson with the problematic class. I know that come Friday something else will have knocked me and I’ll have to go about picking myself up again.

But I can pick myself up these days. And I can hold that in my mind, that the dark bits of life will pass.

I hope you have had a lovely day, and if you haven’t, I hope that this post has given you a little bit of hope.

Much Love

Rachel xx

PS I had a fourteen year old tell me to go f**k myself this morning, so today was still far from perfect – but I’m holding onto the wins.

my child is angel

sleepy black boy in angel costume sleeping in decorated studio
Photo by Monstera on

There once was a student who behaved like a saint,

A better picture of academia you could not paint

Or at least that’s what his mother would say

When I phoned her after bad lessons each day,

So shocked was she that she could quite easily faint.

I have this child in my class who is a terror. He throws things and shouts across my class and then when I ask him to leave he refuses. I wanted to give him an after school detention today but I have to get permission from a parent. So I duly gave the mother a call and came away quite shocked.

Apparently, he has no problems in other lessons and it’s just me! Apparently, he is an angel in every other subject and she has never received a call from any staff other than me.

I told her that I would review the situation in a week and keep in touch with her but he got out of that detention because she disagreed.

Half an hour late, he was supposed to be in my lesson and he was late. I didn’t say anything as I just wanted the lesson to run smoothly. However, it turns out that he had run into a colleague’s room and turned off her computer so that she had to reboot the whole thing and this ate into her lesson time.

So it turns out he’s not so angelic.

Hopefully that mother will enjoy the call from the Senior Leadership Team once that incident has been reported.

Much Love

Rachel xx

i am justified

jetty sea dawn landscape
Photo by kien virak on

Did I come down way too hard?

Did I nit-pick?

Did I strike unfairly or

Was I justified?

Sometimes all it takes is one

Person to confirm your thoughts,

That it was wrong the way

That person acted in your class.

You’re justified,

So take a breath

And never fear that you are bad.

I sometimes worry that I am picking on a student. Sometimes we get off on the wrong foot and it can be easy to think that person is bad for the rest of their lives. So it really is relieving to hear someone say that you were justified in your actions.

I have one student who is really disruptive and I sent her to another room because I just couldn’t teach with her in my own. She made out that I was rude and picking on her and I questioned myself for a moment.

However, when the other teacher brought her back for a restorative conversation she was pretty shocked about this student’s attitude.

It was really helpful to hear this other teacher talk to the student, and also to know that I was justified in my actions. Sometimes it just takes one person to tell you that you are doing things right and you stop feeling like you are horrible or that you are doing things wrong.

I guess this is applicable in so many areas in life. To hear that you are doing OK is all that is needed to push you onwards.

Much Love

Rachel xx

double whammy

woman in black sports bra and black shorts holding black and white boxing gloves
Photo by cottonbro on

The cruelest thing in life

Is the gut punch of the double whammy,

When you’re already late and it starts to rain,

Or there’s nowhere to park and your tights have laddered

Or you have a crap lesson then you don’t get an invite

To the job that you wanted with all of your heart.

Then twists and it spirals til you’re down on the floor

Unsure you can do this for one moment more.

So today, I got an email from a school that I loved and I went to look around and it told me that they have looked at my application and they don’t want to interview me. Then, I went into the lesson and got told that it was basically a load of crap.

I could have handled one of those things, but double whammies are just too much. It’s like getting kicked, dropping to the floor and then being kicked again. It’s pretty hard to get up from that.

In true Rachel style, I then burst into tears and cried on my observing teacher for an hour and then went to professional studies and sat in the corner crying for another hour.

The problem with a double whammy, for me, is the fact that it tends to open up wounds that have nothing to do with what is going on in the foreground. I went from ‘oh, I didn’t get the interview’ to ‘I’m a waste of air and space and don’t deserve to be alive in the space of 10 seconds.

I’m now having an ice lolly and I’ll go for a run and hopefully, by the time I get up in the morning, normal service will have resumed.

Love from a bit of a Loser,

Rachel xx

oh, the shame

It makes my face burn hot, red with shame

As I peer through classroom doors

And see those shouts, the language too.

I didn’t bring them up this way,

To drag my name through sludgy mud

And make that dirt stick to my skin.

Now, I’ve just started my second teaching placement at the same school that my son goes to. He is in Year 11 so I’ve not seen him in lessons but I have been told by staff that he is ‘a lovely boy’. And I’m glad to hear that because I’d feel really let down if I knew he was misbehaving.

But there are some kids that I teach that have absolutely no respect for teachers, they refuse to open their books and get writing, they roll their eyes when you ask them to do something and they seem to think rules don’t apply to them.

I look at these kids and I wonder what their parents would think if they were to come in and watch a lesson. Would they actually care? And what do they teach their kids at home to make them think that their behaviour is acceptable in school?

I wonder if they would feel any shame? I would love to get them in for a lesson without their kids knowing just so they can see what we have to put up with. I wish that they could teach their kids some manners.

I’ll get off my soapbox now. But I am very angry after a day of being ignored by teenagers. God, I feel old!

Much Love

Rachel xx