my mother chose her sister over me and it really hurt

I don’t think that there’s any pain

That shoots through bodies with such searing pain

As the white rejection of a mother

Who’s chosen someone other

Branding skin with broken lines,

Ugly to the eyes.

They mark you out within a crowd

As one who’s never good enough.

My parents split up last year and my mum pushed me away too. No matter what I did to try and fix the situation, it just seemed to get worse and worse. Now she just listens to her sister and I can’t even have a dialogue with her without it having to go through my aunt.

I’m writing this to get it out in the air just how much that hurts. I think that the rejection of a mother must be the hardest pain to bear. To know that somebody who gave birth to you and raised you can’t stand to talk to you is so painful.

I guess I’ve always known that she doesn’t like me much and I think that it has led to a lot of the problems I’ve had in the past. I literally walk into situations already thinking that I’m going to fail, because if my own mother hates me then why should these other people like me?

I hope that there is a reason for this really painful time in my life because I feel like I’m nursing a broken heart. And I feel like everyone can see how hated I am which sometimes makes me just want to curl up and hide from the world.

Much Love

Rachel xx

will i remember?

In twenty years from now

Will I remember days like this?

Will I know what shirt I wore

Or where I stood

The day I heard the news?

Or will these days just blend as one,

Just another season lived,

No changes made or lessons learnt?

Whenever something big happens in the world, most of us can vividly remember the things like what we were wearing and where we were. Things like 9/11 and the death of Princess Diana spring to mind, and I certainly remember finding out about both of these events.

So, will we feel the same about what is happening now? Everything that is happening is so out of the ordinary and, therefore, I would like to think that it will have a lasting effect on our memories. I guess the difference here is that this is a long and drawn out event, rather than the short, sharp gut punch you get with most disasters and losses.

I think that there are many parts of this that will stick in my mind for the rest of my life. I really hope that I will learn things from this and that I can permanently change some of my behaviours. Wouldn’t it be nice if the whole world started to change for the better and this could be seen as a turning point that WILL be remembered forever.

Much Love

Rachel xx