you voted for who?!

I liked you,

I really, really liked you,

Viewed through my glasses

With the rose tinted lenses.

And then you said those words,

The lenses shattered with the sounds

That jarred my mind, stopped my heart

And made me wonder what I saw

Behind that changing face.

I absolutely don’t want to get into any political scraps but I just wanted to write a bit about how I view people when I find out how they voted.

I’m a bit of a black and white person; I put people on a pedestal when they please me and when they fall I find it hard to put them back there. That’s a problem with me that I’m trying to work on.

But, does anyone else really like people and then completely change their opinion of them when they find out that they voted differently to you? I don’t know if it’s me being a bad person or whether we are being conditioned to feel really strongly about politics at the moment. I mean, everything is so polarised at the moment and I think the media play a big part in that.

I was talking to a new person at my work the other day and I was really starting to like him. Then he happened to say that he voted differently to me. I must have visibly flinched as I watched him fall from that lofty pedestal.

I’m in the UK and we’ve had to endure Brexit which has divided the country, but I’m sure it’s know different in the US and many other countries around the world.

I just think that it’s so sad that politics has become such a hate filled arena. It’s been like that for eternity but it really feels like it’s intensified with certain characters coming onto the scene (not mentioning any names).

Anyway, just be nice to each other and don’t take a leaf out of my book. I’m a work in progress but at least I’m honest.

Much Love

Rachel xx

you are what you’re fed

Normally we say, you are what you eat

But I like to think, you are what you’re fed.

It sounds rather forceful, like they’ve grabbed your nose

And pushed the spoon down your throat

Until you are choking and sustenance leaks

From the edges of mouths.

We know that to swallow and become what they give

Is the only sure way to feel any pleasure.

Soon we forget that we were ever resistant,

We have eyes that are hollow and a soul that is dry.

I watched the TV movie, Brexit: The Uncivil War the other night, not realising that it was essentially about Dominic Cummings. I was transfixed throughout the whole film and ended up warming to him even though he was portrayed as a bit of an oddball.

The funny thing was that I have spent a month or so not really liking Dominic Cummings because of all the media attention he received during lockdown. I watched this movie and felt utterly torn.

It just goes to show that we do really become what we are fed, whether that be by the media or politicians or big corporations and I feel a bit like I’m easily led. I know that I’m a heart of head kind of girl so I can be led when my heartstrings are pulled.

I probably need to be a bit more careful about what I read and watch and how much I let it influence me as a person. It can be a minefield out there and nice people can be painted as monsters, so be careful not to jump to conclusions and have a closer look at the other reality, the one that is not reported on. We may be surprised at what we find.

Much Love

Rachel xx

What I REALLY need is someone to look up to

I’m watching BBC Question Time and these are the words that started to come into my head. We are living in a really divided and scary Britain and world at the moment. It’s scary enough to make me want to turn the TV off and pretend that none of it is happening. But poetry is designed to help us say what we feel about these bigger topics in the world, so here goes…

What I really need is someone to look up to.

I don’t need a person who speaks so posh,

That someone like me can’t understand what he thinks,

How he feels and the things that he wants.

I don’t want to follow men who are older than dad,

Who can’t possibly understand

What is nagging at my consciousness, as I toss and turn,

In my bed late at night.

I need somebody who speaks like me, looks like me,

Concerned by the same things as me.

I need to know that the world that I leave,

To my children and their children will be OK.

Better than OK.

I want it to flourish and some posh geezer,

Who waltzed through Eton and Oxford,

Or Cambridge or somewhere like that,

Just doesn’t seem to get what I mean.

When I say that I’m scared, I’m really so scared.

They’re out for themselves in this contest,

For popularity and fame.

Think of the speaking gigs and book deals they’ll get,

When this is all over,

And the country is in tatters.

When we are all left to pick up the pieces.

So I don’t really care if a candidate,

Is young or female or ‘wet behind the ears’.

I care if she cares and I can see it in her eyes.

I want a role model,

And if that makes me stupid or silly or dumb,

I’ll take it on the chin and vote with my foot.

Because all that I really want and need,

Is a person to relate to,

To look up to and a person I’d quite like to be.

I don’t think it’s hard to guess who I’ll be voting for next month and my reasoning behind it. I hope that everyone does get out there and vote and I hope that this next couple of weeks will start to wrap up such a difficult three and a half years in our history.

I’d love to hear what your thoughts are in the comments, although do keep them loving and respectful. Politics have the ability to draw us together or rip us apart and I hope that whoever in power does everything they can to do the former. This is about what’s best for the country and not how much glory the person who wins can enjoy.

Much Love,

Rachel xx

Boris, Brexit and self-promotion

Does anyone else worry about putting themselves out there? Why are there some people who seem to be able to step out and look out for themselves more easily than others. In the UK we have been inundated with news about Brexit and how the new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, is handling it. Some would argue that he’s not doing any better than the person that he took over from just a few weeks ago. But if you ask Boris how he is doing, I’m pretty sure that he would say that he is doing pretty bloody well.

I do sometimes wonder why I can’t be a little bit more like Boris, putting myself as number one. I wonder what it would be like to have success and people underneath me, all looking to me for guidance. I sometimes think that it would be nice to not give a toss what other people think of me and to only care about where I want to go. It’s this tenacious self promotion that has gotten him to where he is and there are tonnes of people that have come before him who have done the same. They have all achieved their goals and they have most definitely had to trample over some heads to get to where they wanted to.

The real question is whether they were happy when they got there? Did they reach the top of their mountain and look around at the view to find that it wasn’t all they hoped for? I wonder if Boris wakes up every morning and thinks of how lucky he is that all his dreams have come true? I have a feeling that he doesn’t. My thinking is that there is something gnawing away inside of him every day, pushing him onto the next goal and also making him feel uncomfortable and empty.

I don’t know Boris or what his personality is like but I do know that when I was ruthlessly pursuing career and sporting achievements it was because I was looking for anything to fill that hole inside myself that left me in terrible pain each day. The main thing that forced me to get help when my life was falling to bits was work. I was always desperate to get promoted because I felt like a new position would make me whole and the extra money would make me a better and more respected person. I didn’t care if I was going to step on people to get there because it was the only thing that was going to remove the pain in my own life.

It was only since getting sober and going to therapy that I’ve started to see that if I’m not enough for myself then how on earth can I be enough once I have the weight of a stressful job upon my shoulders. You often see this buckling of a person in the case of pop stars. They chase fame relentlessly because they feel that it will make them better and more loved and instead they find themselves crushed by the weight of expectation and the outpouring of love from fans is kind of empty. Fans don’t really care what happens to you. They love you while you’re on top but when you’re down they’ll soon move on to the next best thing. A fan won’t drop everything for you when you’re feeling sad and need a shoulder to cry on so just remember that when you feel bad that you only have two or three real friends. At least you have real friends.

That said, perhaps we can learn a little something from Boris. He has made a twit out of himself a few times (think the zip line incident in the lead up to the London 2012 Olympics), and yet he has still ploughed on without really stopping. A lot of us have so many doubts about ourselves and the sensitive empaths among us are constantly worrying about how we make other people feel and what they think of us. Somebody like Boris doesn’t seem to give a fuck and I wonder what it must feel like to be that confident in my own ability.

I sometimes have crushing lows and bow out of opportunities because I’m worried that I’ll either offend someone, I’ll make a mess of everything or people will just laugh at me. Maybe I do sometimes need to take a leaf out of Boris’s book and plough on regardless. If this self promotion is done for the right reasons and to push us on as humans to a good and decent common goal, then surely that’s a good thing, right?

It’s such a difficult balance to strike and it’s something that I’ve been thinking a lot about recently. Do I deserve success and am I allowed to push for it? Now that I’m sober have I proven my worth? If I do push will people start to roll their eyes at me and like me less? Will the extra stress potentially make me ill again? There are so many questions that run through my head every time I think about doing something difficult.

I think that the way around this is to do something great that is also for the greater good of the people around me. I’m not sure if Boris has had the right intentions throughout his political career. I guess we’ll never know what his reasoning has been when he campaigned for leave (a lot of us would maybe lean towards the thinking that it was not for the good of the country), but the fact of the matter is that now he is in the perfect place to do some good for us all. His relentless pushing has actually put him on the best platform in the country.

What I would like to do in the future is to push for a career that does not hurt people and that empowers people but what that looks like or where it will lead me is only really known to God right now. I would love for this blog to be a way for me to do that. What a wonderful thing it would be to write for a living and make people feel good at the same time. Wouldn’t it be nice to do something I love and be able to help and inspire people at the same time. I don’t know whether that will ever be possible but maybe that’s the thing I should plough on to (not trampling on any heads along the way though!).

So, in conclusion, I would say that I’m not entirely sure that Boris is happy and that the career is making him feel better in some way. But then maybe we all need a little more confidence, just like he has. Think of all the things we could achieve if we pushed that hard and for things that we really believe in. I’m going to make the pledge today to try hard to make a difference without worrying that other people are laughing at me. Hopefully my endeavour won’t end up being as crazy as Brexit but if it could make a little bit of a splash then I would be happy.

What do you think that I should do? Do you think that maybe I should start a campaign for happiness with lots of colourful art and lovely slogans. Maybe lots of videos on being happy like Brenee Brown or Russell Brand? Maybe I should start running up and down the country like Sean Conway? So many things I could do and I am going to do one of them unashamedly and without apology. I AM allowed to self promote and look after people! It IS possible and I’m going to give it a go. Just watch me!

Much love

Rachel xx