the day that britney got married

woman holding bouquet of flowers
Photo by Natasha Fernandez on

The beautiful girl who burst on our screens

In a tied up shirt and knee high socks

Who has been through so much, has got married again

And this time we hope that it’s happy

That no one controls her life for a day

That life can be as simple as when

She was just a young girl in the South.

So, Britney got married again this weeks, and I think that we all hope that this can be her happy ever after. I fear that she will never get the peace that she deserves, but hopefully she can enjoy this moment of bliss for as long as possible.

Of course, this wedding comes after the ending of her conservatorship that controlled everything from her finances to her life choices -like having a baby and getting married. Her fans fought hard for her to get her freedom and I hope that she is actually free now.

One thing that makes me really sad is the fact that she had no family there, and I wonder how happy she can really be about that? They have treated her terribly, but underneath it all I’m sure that she’s sad it’s come to this.

Family break ups are just the worst thing to go through and if I were to get married tomorrow, I’m not sure that my mum would turn up. That makes me really sad – it doesn’t matter what has been said and how much pain I feel, that sadness would still be crushing.

Still, she did get to sing Vogue with Madonna, Donatella Versace, Drew Barrymore and Selena Gomez. Watching that was a little bit like being in some kind of fever dream; kind of cool, but also kind of weird.

Much Love

Rachel xx

Britney’s Instagram

white smartphone
Photo by Cristian Dina on

The squabbles must have started early on,

When money rolled in at alarming rates

And then the world all watched as Britney sank,

Wondering what would happen next, how the story ends.

But thirteen years was far too long

And what went on behind the scenes, none of us will know.

But tragic fallouts played out on the internet

Are painful for the rest of us, those that sang

#freebritney outside courtrooms, singing Baby

In a passionate plea for everyone to love,

But money wins every single time, and yet another

Family crumbles in faithless dust.

I grew up to Britney Spears and I was so happy for her when I found out that her conservatorship had been removed. I think that like many people, I thought that would be the end of the story. I thought that would be her happily ever after.

However, if you follow her on Instagram, your heart can’t help but break. It seems that the family fighting is just rumbling on louder than ever. And the most painful factor in all of it appears to be the publication of her sister’s memoir.

I don’t know the ins and outs of what has happened, but like so many others, I’ve felt the pain of a family disintegrating around me. I can only imagine how awful it must be to have it play out publicly.

I do worry that she doesn’t have anyone near her who truly looks out for her and watching the rants on Instagram feels physically painful. I remember when I was a teenager, watching her on stage and seeing her in magazines with Justin and thinking that she had everything. Now, I hope that I never have to suffer anything near what she has.

Take care Britney.

Much Love

Rachel xx

she’s so lucky, she’s a star

pink and white stars in the sky
Photo by Karolina Grabowska on

But she cry, cry, cry in the lonely night,

They all think fame will undo the pain

That they burnt her with when she burned too bright.

Those she knew, she thought she loved

Were the ones to turn when it began to rot,

Turning uglier than they foresaw.

But what does that matter when they all swept in?

Ready to scoop at the smoking corpse,

Picking off the richest pieces glinting in

The studio lights were money is made.

I’ve always been a huge fan of Britney. She became a star just as I was in my early teens so I always felt as though I was growing up with her. I also got married and split up at similar times to her and we had our sons within two months of each other.

I know that it’s a bit of a childish obsession, but I feel like she has become a friend over the years. I think a lot of people feel that way and so they share the pain I feel when I watch her go through hard times.

Obviously, she has crept back into the news this week as she went to court to fight for the end of her conservatorship. A lot of the details came out into the public domain and it was really upsetting to hear.

Britney was put through so much when she had her children taken away and split with her husband and it was shocking to watch her slowly melt down. Everyone remembers her shaving her head, but it was the photos of her sitting on the curb and crying as photographers continued to shout things at her that I found most distressing. My heart just broke.

I think that we all need to be a little more gentle with each other so that things like that don’t happen. There is a girl in my tutor who is suffering with disordered eating and it is hurting me to see her struggling. She was really upset and crying and her lovely friend sat quietly with her and physically wiped away her tears. It was possibly the sweetest thing I have seen.

Be a bit more like that friend and wipe away someone’s tears, don’t just shout at them and take pictures for your own entertainment.

Much Love

Rachel xx

not a girl, not yet a woman

She was a baby just a breath ago,

Toddling, laughing as the vicar splashed

The holy water on her golden face.

And now she is a woman with a view

Upon the world and life the way

The writers told us it should be.

Fitzgerald and Jack Kerouac

Are men who make her pulse race fast

And wish to be another year

Into life so she can take to road trips

All across the dusty tracks that zig zag nations

Calling out with men, exotic in their lives

And wanting her to fall in arms

That soon will turn and make her weep,

But isn’t that what girls will need

To grow into a knowing woman

Ready to go out and roar?

I sat in a lesson today and I clocked a girl in the back row called Lily. I don’t know what made me double take apart from the fact that she looked the spitting image of her mother.

I was at the very same college I’m at a placement in now, and it was at the same time her mother was there. She was beautiful and cool and dating the coolest guy on campus. However, she was like me and was hating her time there. She left and got pregnant shortly afterwards. And she had a girl called Lily.

I dropped out and then got pregnant the year after she did and we became friends during that year. I was heavily pregnant when I was invited to Lily’s christening and I attended her second birthday.

I’m a crappy introvert who loses touch with everyone because I don’t like phones or coffee dates, so I lost touch with Lily’s mother. It was only when I saw this girl behind me, aged about sixteen, that I remembered that friendship.

Lily is a beautiful woman now and she was analysing The Great Gatsby like a boss. This didn’t make it any easier to match her up with the toddler that I remembered and it just reminded me how much our children grow and how quickly it happens. It’s made even more interesting by the fact that these kids are on the cusp of adulthood. They have fully formed opinions and soon they will spread their wings and fly. Soon they will experience all those highs and lows that make life so much like a novel.

Much Love

Rachel xx

what i would have in my rider

arched construction of contemporary stadium on sunny day
Photo by Aleks Marinkovic on

I’m not a pop star and I cannot sing or dance

And yet I’ll often wonder what I would have

In my rider for dressing rooms on tour.

I’d have flowers that are yellow, and candles

That smell strongly of sandalwood.

I’d have big bowls of Reese’s and cold cherry coke

And I’d order in pizza that I’d eat with my dancers

When we roll off the stage looking sweaty and tired.

We’d crush into rooms in cities with no names,

Laughing at signs that we’d read in the crowd

While buzzing with nerves that twang with the tension,

The crowds drifting out to beds that are warm,

Ears still ringing for days at a time

And we’ll move on to another arena, a cathedral

To pop music prayed to by the masses

And paying for my flowers and sandalwood candles.

a folder full of hate

Papers fall like acid rain

From that faded pink and dog eared folder

That was pushed into the darkest corners of

My wardrobe and my mind.

But now I’ve peeled it open once again

I feel that burning of the skin

That so consumed me for so many years.

It must be thrown, or burnt

In any way to stop those acid tears.

Another episode in the house clearing saga and this time I got a folder that contained all the paperwork from my divorce that happened when I was just twenty.

I was going through another of the bags and I found this pink cardboard folder that was stuffed with letters and printed emails and phone numbers and documents that formed every last part of that painful few years of my early adult life. I loved him so hard and he moved onto someone else and that was a hard lesson to learn and to live through at such a young age.

Now, I have him as a friend on Facebook and I can message him and have no bad feelings. The advice that time heals felt ridiculous at the time, but it really does.

However, I had to shut that file really quickly. As soon as I got sucked back into that time, fifteen years ago, I opened up some wounds that I didn’t realise were still there. But they must be there, somewhere deep below the surface.

That folder is going straight into the shredder. That is where it belongs. I am quite happy where I am and I don’t need to look at those things that caused me pain. If anything, this could be a positive part of the house being sold: the clearing out is like a cleansing of the soul.

I’m kind of looking forward to lighting a fire and having a ceremonial burning, and at the other end I will come out as a stronger woman, just like Britney said all those years ago.

Much Love

Rachel xx

the 90’s girls

person holding blue and silver vintage camera
Photo by cottonbro on

We clung together in our groups of fours and fives,

And spritzed ourselves in Spice World spray

That hung in clouds above our hair

Brushed through and through with coloured wands,

The bane of mothers’ lives, as they washed it out

Of pillowcases, still the pink of little girls.

We’d laugh between ourselves, over copies of our magazines

With names like Mizz and Bliss and pictures of our stars,

The Britneys and the Backstreet Boys that filled filled our lives

As we lolled on sofas made of PVC, squeaky and inflatable.

I miss those days of blissful youth when teenage love

And hate and drama filled the air,

I miss those days of Dawson’s Creek and weddings Greek

And big and fat and spots and creams,

I miss those days of teenage dreams…..

Hit Me Baby One More Time

I must confess, that my loneliness

Was the reason that I

Didn’t do what I should.

I was pining for love,

No matter the cost.

The fist that came flying

And chipped at the bone,

The vase that came soaring,

Splinters so sharp and so bright

Raining down fiercely

Upon my hunched shoulders.

They all made me cower,

But still I demanded that baby I want you

To hit me one more time.

There comes a point, though,

When enough is enough.

No more of that now,

I’m stronger than that.

No more glass fragments adorning my hair,

Just diamonds and flowers

And a safe place to land

While I heal my clipped wings

And a heart that’s been hurt.

I’ve never been in a physically abusive relationship but I feel so strongly about giving women a safe place to go when they find themselves in these really dangerous situations.

Domestic violence is not acceptable and I hate it when I watch the news and see that a woman has been killed by her partner. What makes me particularly angry is the fact that in many of these cases the police have been called by the victim before. We need to start taking this a bit more seriously.

Of course, there are times when it’s not the woman that is getting hurt and I would like to acknowledge the fact that men can be the victim of domestic abuse too. Sometimes it can be worse in this situation because men feel embarrassed about speaking out. This is something else that really needs to be addressed in this day and age.

If you are in this horrible situation, I can’t stress enough how important it is to get out before something tragic happens. There are charities that can help you and safe places to go. I know that escaping an abusive partner is terrifying but it’s a step that you need and deserve to take.

Much Love

Rachel xx