i’m a little bit better than i first thought

woman writing on a whiteboard
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The flames aren’t lapping at my feet,

The planes aren’t crashing into rooms

Filled with kids who scream in fear.

No. In fact it’s rather pleasant

This world that I create

Inside my haven, my heavenly room to teach.

I have this thing where I think that I’m doing really badly as I lead a lesson. In my head, everything’s going wrong, I can’t find the resources that I need so I’m scratching around for bits of paper, and I’m stumbling over my words.

I was also told that if I were to film myself, I might not enjoy the experience because I’ll be able to see all of my flaws (and, of course, nobody likes the sound of their own voice).

However, I had to record a lesson today so that I can be assessed by my tutor. I was dreading it, but I did it anyway and this evening I sat down and had a look at what a mess I was in front of my Year 8’s.

But the funny thing was that it actually showed me that I’m not that bad. I’m not really stumbling; I’m just concentrating so hard on the few times that I do stumble that I forget about the remaining two hours that are word perfect.

I’m nice to my class, I laugh with them, I have them all quiet so I can’t be too boring! All in all, I’m much better than I thought I was. The exercise that was supposed to make me question myself has actually given me a bit of confidence.

I’m not that bad. I can do this. And I need to be proud of how much I’ve improved in such a short space of time.

I hope that you are feeling confident in something at the moment. Even if it’s just knowing that you can do the cryptic crossword in the newspaper. You deserve a pat on the back!

Much Love

Rachel xx

being left up the creek without a paddle

umbrella against sky
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I’m drifting from the bank and yet my oars

Are snapped and sunken to the bed.

I’ll never make it back but I

Can hope that someone kind will reach across

And hold my hand before I tip

Over edges of the falls,

The rushing rapids I must face

Before I reach the finish line.

I am in a bit of a situation at the moment. I’ve been left to do a lesson on something that I have never done before and I’ve had very little help. I literally had a PowerPoint sent to me tonight with the expectation of teaching a GCSE class tomorrow.

I have no resources, no videos, I’ve not even been told how much of the lesson I’m expected to take. And I feel a little bit like I’ve been cast out adrift with no paddle.

It’s a bit scary as it’s a difficult class and they are Year 10 so they could eat me alive, and that’s not me being dramatic.

I’m sure that I’m worrying about nothing but it kind of annoys me when a lot is expected of you and you haven’t really been given the tools to deal with it. The main problem is that when I was drinking I would kick up a big fuss and make a drama out of it and it always ended really badly.

Now I’m sober, the last thing I want to do is cause all that trouble, but the worries that caused my bad behaviour are still there, bubbling away underneath a calm facade.

It’s a line that I still haven’t found and I think I’m still going to make a lot of mistakes in trying to find where it is. At the moment, I’m drowning in worry without piping up about it. One day I’ll know what to do; I just wish that I had the life manual that everyone else seems to have!

Much Love

Rachel xx

i bloody love learning i do

The history books create a world

Of characters I wish I knew

And science posters tacked to walls

That teach me all the bones and joints,

I love it all and soak it up

Wishing I was young again

When learning was a burden to

Endure not love like I now do.

I’m doing loads of teaching observations at the moment and it’s reminding me just how much I love learning. I’m finding that I’m doing less observing and more participating because I’m just enjoying the process of discovering so enjoyable.

Today I sat in the back row of a Year 8 History lesson. The class were a bit rowdy but the teacher was just so positive and enthusiastic about his subject that I completely ignored the naughty ones.

He taught us about Guy Fawkes and the gunpowder plot and even though it’s a story I know well, I was absolutely hooked. There was some video shown and resources handed out. There was discussion with the class and a cheeky twist in the story. And not forgetting a gruesome execution just to make my stomach turn after lunch.

I don’t know how the rest of the class felt, but I hope that they realise how lucky they are to be at school. To learn new things every day is so exciting and they’re so lucky to have teachers that are so much fun, so knowledgeable and so enthusiastic about their subjects.

I just hope that in ten years time I’m still wanting to teach with the same amount of passion.

Much Love

Rachel xx