they saw a little sparkle

There was something there

When you wiped away the grime

That life had flung against her skin.

There was a little sparkle

That needed to get out.

So, I went for my interview yesterday. I had a tour of the school, did a written task, taught a class and then had a formal interview with the deputy head. This is not the kind of thing that sits well with me as it gives me a lot of time to say something really stupid.

And there were moments when I wavered. I have a bit of a twisty and turny route that I have taken to where I am and I got the feeling that the deputy was getting a bit judgey.

But apparently he quite liked that route that I took, because they pulled me into the office and said that they wanted to offer me the job. They were very open and said that they had already had a round of interviews with people that ‘on paper’ they had preferred, and none of them had made the cut. I was sloppy seconds (and I don’t blame them because my CV is awful), but given a chance I could actually shine through.

So, what a week. Last week I was propped up in the corner crying because I just felt like nobody wanted me, and just seven days later, I need to be scraped off the ceiling.

I know that there are still going to be many ups and downs to come, but I’m enjoying it up here on the ceiling for a couple of days.

Much Love

Rachel xx

when you realise you’ve refreshed your emails twenty times in five minutes

silver imac near white ceramic kettle
Photo by on

Refresh, refresh,

That little rounded curve, an arrow of the kindest hope

But really there is nothing that it offers

Other than the feeling of a broken heart.

All that comes up to the top is adverts

For a holiday at half price rate and dodgy pills

That claim to make my life all shiny new

And ready for the Instagram.

But as I press it once again, my heart will sink

As I know deep down that I’m not good enough,

That email will just never come.

I’m waiting for an email for a job that I applied for. I have seen that the interviews are on the first Monday back after half term, so I know that I really need to hear from them today for me to know that they’re giving me a shot.

So, like a good little anxious jelly bean, I have been sitting here refreshing my emails over and over and over. I have been in this state of unrest so many times before and I know that almost everyone in the world must be the same.

Gone are the days when there was one post that arrived in the morning, delivered by the friendly postman. Now we can get news at any time of the day or night and it is down to us to stay alert and watch out for it. Or that’s what it feels like, when you are waiting impatiently for the news.

Unfortunately, I have learnt to not get hopes up, so I’m not going to crush myself if this news never comes. It would be nice to know either way though. So, on that note, I’ll sign off and go back to refreshing my email every thirty seconds!

Much Love

Rachel xx

dried spaghetti bridges

We opened packets and eased out pasta,

Dried spaghetti, long and brittle,

Snapping easily, as the toddler runs

Excitedly, through the chaos that’s descended

On the kitchen, fogged with nervous energy.

It must be strong! he shouts, brandishing the sugar,

Half a kilogram, that bridge must hold.

I wipe away the sweat and disappointing scent;

I should have studied engineering, something useful

At Edinburgh University, where I’d have made

A vaccine or a rocket or the tallest building I could dream,

Rather than those petty dreams of Bennet sisters

Running through the fields….

The man that I am sharing a tutor group with is a Design and Technology teacher so he is responsible for getting the kids doing some fun STEM activities during lockdown.

Last week we were all supposed to make a balloon powered car and this week we are all going to have a go at making a bridge out of dried spaghetti. They’re all good fun and they teach engineering skills at the same time.

However, I do sometimes find myself battling with the rubber bands and sticky tape, wondering if I have made some bad decisions throughout my life. I think about the kids that are making these projects now and what they will go on and accomplish and then about what use I am to society.

I know that kindness and supporting other goes a long way, but I do sometimes get some grand ideas about having designed a bridge that would be driven over and admired for hundreds of years. Or being involved in the first team to get man on Mars.

I’ll never get the chance to achieve those things now, but hopefully one day I can write the next classic that will be read and loved for many years to come. It may not be as breathtaking as a bridge, but as long as it brings joy, that is all that we can hope for.

Much Love

Rachel xx