animals and hearts

They rub past legs and cry for love

Or food, but I pretend it’s love because

What human gives us looks like that,

Purring for the fact that we’re alive

And present in their life? Unqualified

And pure. Yep, I need that, now it’s gone

I feel my heart is fracturing, shattering

Like windows blasted by atomic bombs.

I’m not exaggerating there, it hurts,

I hope he walks back in tonight, crying

For his dinner, snoring on the carpet

Like a really crappy housemate but I need

Him back here now, so I can piece that heart

Back whole again, because this hurts.

I went outside to get my cat in for the night and he wasn’t there. He didn’t return this morning and it’s now 7pm and he is still not here. He has never left the garden before, and the only thing I can think is that he has been taken.

I never had pets as a kid and I never really got one as an adult because I was worried about how I would handle a death. Now that the cat has gone missing, I think this is worse. I was even letting myself think that it’s because the cat wants to punish me. Everyone seems to leave.

I know that is ridiculous but it is that awful voice in my head that likes to tell me nobody would ever want to hang around for this.

There is a chance that he might just wander in looking for his tea tonight, but for now, my heart is breaking.

Much Love

Rachel xx

social anxiety prayers being answered

When the pressure has been pumped

And the body is crushed, and you just want to pray

For the lid to come off, and then somehow it happens,

The prayers are all answered

And we can gasp for sweet air.

I absolutely hate social events and I can sometimes feel sick for weeks in advance as I try to think out how I can possibly get out of the plans. This week I had one such event coming up.

We had a barbecue planned that would involve loads of drinking and lots of people and the expectation to stay until late. I was quite literally praying for a way out.

And then I got an email today to say that a couple of teachers are self isolating and they can’t risk having all the English teachers out if we should have an outbreak. So the barbecue is cancelled.

The relief that I am feeling is unbelievable. It is as though I have just wormed my way out of five hours of horrific torture. I feel lighter having read that email.

Social anxiety is painful for so many and I am sure there are so many people out there who feel exactly the same. It seems that sometimes prayers are answered in a very quiet and unexpected way.

Much Love

Rachel xx