crop unrecognizable person with smartphone showing load logo on screen
Photo by ready made on

Those moments in life, that take some time

To work their way through the canals of the brain,

Fitting with experience, making no sense

And then like a puzzle slotting in place

The picture grows clear and the lessons are learned.

I had such a weird Friday and I had to spend some time just sitting quietly and processing what had happened. To most, it would appear a bit of a non-event, but it brought back some memories that I’d rather not dwell on.

Basically, it was decided that the girl who has caused me so many sleepless nights is going to be moved out of my class. It was decided that the relationship was beyond repair and I was going to get ill if it continued.

I obviously had to sit in the meeting with the girl and she didn’t take it particularly well. I’m still not why she took it so badly because she effectively got what she wanted -she’s got a teacher that is not me.

I think the reasons I found it so difficult were because I’ve been that girl, being told that my behaviour is unacceptable, and I just wanted everyone to understand how much pain I was in. Was she just being a dick or was she in pain like I was? If she was then she must hate me even more for giving up on her.

And then there’s the issue with ‘giving up’ on anyone. Nobody gets into teaching to just cast aside the difficult ones. Is that what I did this week?

I’ve spent today trying to reason with myself so that I don’t go insane. I may have had a small failure here, but I do really need to hang onto the fact that if I got so stressed that I was signed off I’d be no good to anyone. And now I can concentrate on the other 29 kids in the class who also deserve an education.

So perhaps the right decisions were made.

Much Love

Rachel xx

there was support there all along

brown concrete building near body of water
Photo by Julia Volk on

It’s lonely up there at the front

With thirty pairs of judging eyes;

Those that want to sponge up words

While others want to spit them out

In violent torrents fired my way.

And when the castle’s under siege

And brickwork crumbles to the the ground,

It’s then you notice scaffold struts

And realise that an army stands behind

The ramparts that I ran along.

Help is always there so don’t

Let those little terrors tear you down!

I had my head of department come and speak to me today because a parent had phoned in and complained. A group of my lovely Year 10s had got to the end of their tethers with the two students who have been really rude to me.

As the teacher it is my responsibility to keep my class under control, so it immediately made me feel like I was being attacked. However, as I talked it through with my boss, I realised there was a whole level of support that I didn’t even realise was available.

I kept calm and now I can see that most of the time there is support there for when you are battling. I think that I have always gone into defence mode when things like this happen and I have really shot myself in the foot.

How many times have I self-sabotaged when someone was just trying to help? How many times have I packed up and left in fear, when there was really no need?

Teaching seems to be teaching me so many lessons about myself, in ways that I never would have expected. I had a little cry to myself in the car on the way home tonight – out of sadness for all the opportunities and loves that I may have lost over all these years. Things happen for a reason and I know that I had to go on my own journey, but it still hurts. Now I just have to make the most of what I have now.

Much Love

Rachel xx