my battery is low

close up photo of batteries
Photo by Hilary Halliwell on

There is a little red light

Flashing in my brain

Telling me it’s not alright

For him to be here again.

But I could spell it out

And still he wouldn’t see

The need for isolation

To recharge and just remember who

I am, and where I’m from and what I do.

My lovely dad is here at my flat… A LOT. I love him dearly but he is an extrovert and I am an introvert. I need my space. I need silence if I am going to recharge my batteries and not get ill. But he doesn’t understand that. And he is inviting himself over more and more.

I feel so bloody ungrateful because he does so much for us and yet I just want to sit in absolute silence and eat what I want to eat and watch what I want to watch and read when I want to read.

I’ve always been really sensitive to sound and I find the presence of another person really exhausting because they are constantly making noises. There was this one time that I had to go for a conference with work and dealing with all the coughing and sniffing and whispering was just too much. I ended up crying all the way home because my brain felt so scratchy, and I had to chug a lot of vodka just to settle that feeling.

Obviously, these days I don’t have the vodka to fall back on so I just have to bite my tongue and ride it out. But it actually hurts.

So how on earth do you tell somebody so nice, that you just want some space? It’s like kicking a puppy. And that really doesn’t make me feel very good about myself.

Much Love

Rachel xx

how to get on tv

Be as loud and wacky as possible

Wear the loudest clothing you can find

Say quirky things and maybe do a rap

Lose all inhibitions

And generally make a bit of a tit

Out of your otherwise perfect reputation.

I make a list of ‘resolutions’ at the beginning of each year and every list for the last five years has had ‘appear on TV’ on it. These are always fun little goals like ‘read three classics’ and ‘eat strawberries and cream at Wimbledon during the tournament’. So nothing too difficult, although some of them take a bit of planning.

The TV one always seems to get away from me because I just don’t think that I’m interesting enough to get on any of the shows that I enjoy. And when I say ‘interesting’ I really mean ‘weird’.

My dad and I always sit and watch shows like Come Dine With Me and we’re not quite sure how the producers have found so many ‘interesting’ people over the years. We’re sure they must be running out of them soon, but still they come.

From years of watching these reality shows I have deduced that the key to getting on is to be as outlandish as possible. I’m just not sure that I have the guts to go on national TV and make a tit out of myself, just yet. Anyone else done it before? I’d love to know about your experience…..

Much Love

Rachel xx