cut my losses or try again?

different sizes and forms of scissors
Photo by Karolina Grabowska on

It’s toxic, so much so it hurts,

It stings my eyes and burns my skin

Leaving blistered boils behind.

But on the other hand, I need that drug,

The mother’s love I craved so long,

Watching mums in town with girls,

Comforting despite their flaws

And soon I see I needed love

But not the poisonous type,

The type that comes conditionally.

And so the choice must swoop in low

And snatch the wrong one from my grasp

As someone needs to help me choose.

I haven’t seen or heard from my mum for over a year now, and I am constantly growing in confidence without her being there. It makes me think that perhaps I’m better off, but even typing that makes me feel like a terrible person.

My confidence has always been really low and I just thought that I was born that way, but I have realised that constantly worrying about saying the wrong thing around her has really made me an anxious human.

I’m now at a point where I need to make a decision. She doesn’t send me cards or even a birthday text so she is done with me, do I just stop emailing and texting her. I have said that I will talk with her but I need some sort of therapist or mediator with us. And she has said no.

I’d love to hear if other people have had similar experiences. Will I regret it if I let her go? Or will I flourish without the worry of not being good enough for her? Any thoughts people? Am I being a bitch? Or have other people done a similar thhing?

Much Love

Rachel xx

i wonder what it’s like to have a sister

cute children cuddling in armchair at home
Photo by Anna Shvets on

I wonder what it’s like to have a sister,

Someone I shared a room with as a kid,

We would share our clothes and laugh about boys,

Plastering pictures of Leo DiCaprio on our walls

And dreaming of careers in law and medicine

Or possibly an Oscar or an Emmy or Grammy.

Would we still be ever so close, or would

Some argument have ripped us apart?

An argument that we can’t remember starting.

Or are we still close, phoning each other nightly

And agonizing over husbands who misbehave

And jobs that didn’t turn out quite as we hoped.

It doesn’t really matter, because I don’t have a sister,

No-one to lean on and always be there,

But still I can dream that she exists in a life

A little bit easier than the one I know now.

I’m an only child and so I always wonder what it might be like to have a brother or sister. When I was a kid I thought it would be nice to have somebody to play with on holiday; now I think it would be nice to have someone to lean on in difficult times.

I’m sure people with siblings will have sometimes wished that they were only children, to have had all the attention to themselves and more expensive Christmas presents. But we all kind of think that the grass is greener on the other side.

Much Love

Rachel xx