Those angry thoughts that gnaw and chew

Like rodents feasting on the scraps,

They creep and lurk on Christmas Eve

When love and cheer are in the air

And angry words will have no place,

So shut your mouth and just pretend

That everything is fine….

Since I’ve been an adult I’ve always struggled a bit on Christmas Eve. Nothing too dramatic, but I find a lot of my anxieties and resentments begin to bubble up to the surface.

I got married really young and when he left me and our son, I struggled on the first Christmas that we were alone. I couldn’t sleep on Christmas Eve because I was so angry. All I could think of was the great time that he would be having and how awful my day was going to be.

That resentment faded over the years but I’m finding that I have the same feelings about my mum these days. She chooses to not be in my life and the rejection hits me like a juggernaut at this time of year.

I wish that the TV would stop telling us what a perfect Christmas looks like, especially this year. I know that so many people will be alone, so my situation is actually pretty favourable; I am in no position to complain.

Christmas this year is going to be different and it may be pretty awful, but I think we all need to remember that the perfect day doesn’t exist. Those sleepless Christmas Eves have done me no favours, all they have done is made me tired and angry.

Enjoy your day tomorrow, whatever it may be looking like. If you’re fuming at somebody, put it aside for the day. Listen to music, eat, drink, watch cheesy movies. Just do the best you can.

Much Love

Rachel xx