drifting away

Every time that I get cold, my mind returns to the memory

That tucks itself away, and burrows out when chilly air

Pinches at the skin and sinks into my bones. The memory,

I’d given birth as the sun came up and now I’d braved

Leaving baby in his plastic cot, to let the water run

In rivulets, the pink tinged water circled in the plug.

But when I dried myself, that cold took hold as air blew through

The open window on the ward. The blood loss seemed to hit at once

And that was when the vision blurred, the shaking stopped

As something shifted deep inside, a slipping of the soul.

Heart rate hammered as I reached the place I slept, the place

Where the baby had been born, freshly made with starched white sheets

But now I’m sure it will also see a death, my soul is drifting

Hardly noticing that the baby’s gone. Reaching for the scarlet button

By the bed, the jug of water and the ‘well done’ card.

I had never thought of death before, but there I was, thinking

That he’d grow up on his own, looking at the aging photographs

And wondering what his mum was like, did she love him?

Why she had to leave?

pancakes and break ups

Today we went for breakfast,

Pancakes, and this is how it went.

It was he who ordered for us both,

Cream cheese with sugar and shiny red berries.

Not what I wanted but that’s what I got.

He spoke about work and everyday life,

His words were so empty

And so I just watched as a car tried to park

And a woman walked past with her dog on a leash.

I had doubts he would care if I said what I thought.

If I told him how tired and and lonely I felt.

I dabbed at the sticky and syrupy ring

Left by the jug that needed a clean.

He glared at me angrily just as my fingers

Raised to my lips, licking the sugar and closing my eyes.

The sweetness dissolved the heat that had burned

And singed through the flesh of my heart.

“I don’t think this is a thing I can do”

I said with my eyes still trained on the car and the dog.

“I’m tired and I need to go home.”

I stood and I left without saying more.

He was so silent, angry and brooding.

I hoped that the pancakes would not go to waste.

The sweet and the tart would do him so good,

A jug full of syrup to pour down his throat,

Dousing the fire that was burning so bright,

The flames that were flickering with a heat so ferocious

That nothing could possibly survive the inferno.

Our relationship dead,

Blackened and charred,

A beautiful mess, but still irretrievable.

Gone with the click of the door

Leaving him sad in that old pancake house.

I had no idea that when you eat something spicy you can counteract the spice with a spoonful of sugar. I ate a spicy pasta dish the other day and my friend told me to try it because I was crying with the pain. And, OMG, it worked.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how great it would be if we could use sugar to neutralise the heat that comes with anger or sadness. I don’t normally talk about my battles with mental health but I take a drug called pregabalin and it works just like the sugar in dampening down my anxiety. It feels like it smooths down the spikiness of my anxiety. If only there was a drug that could work like sugar on all of the angry and controlling people in the world.

If you are struggling with anxiety or depression, I really feel what you are going through. It would be so lovely to be able to wash it away, but unfortunately we have to work hard to get over it. Look after yourself and keep yourself safe as we go into the New Year. It’s a difficult time of year but you can do it! You got through 2019 and you can get through 2020, just one step at a time.

Much Love

Rachel xx

fruit.

When I was a kid, I was a swimmer,

I trained so hard and yet I had so little talent.

I’d watch on as the other girls did half as much as me

And yet they reached the dizzy heights,

Whereas me? I just didn’t seem to have it there.

But when I did well, it wasn’t taken for granted.

It was savoured, each and every morsel of it.

I still look back, all this time later

And marvel at those little gems of time

When I had my moment in the sun.

Patientandkindlove 2019