hello, hello, i don’t know why you say goodbye

red sauce in white ceramic bowl
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We drift into a life, a gentle circle

Rounding on a friend or distant love

We thought would always be around.

But winds can blow and take control

And soon these people form a line,

A snaking queue into a hazy past.

That queue is what you’re made of now;

Those awful byes that hurt so much

I thought I couldn’t take another breath,

But that has healed and now I’m left

With just the trickle of a stream

That makes me joyous as I wade a little further back.

I was flicking through Twitter today and I came across a line that somebody had written and it really resonated with me. This man said ‘life is just a series of hellos and goodbyes’.

I have wrecked several relationships and friendships, especially over the time that I was drinking a lot. I couldn’t regulate my feelings and I would say things that I didn’t mean. When I had calmed down, I felt so ashamed of what I had said, I would retreat and never want to see that person again. It wasn’t hate that broke down those relationships, it was that burning shame that totally consumed me.

I do often think about the people, especially the ones that really meant something to me, and I wonder if their absence is my punishment. But looking at life as a series of hellos and goodbyes really soothese those wounds.

It has helped me to realise that everyone has these people drifting in and out of their lives. This isn’t something that is unique to my life. I need to see it as part of the story that makes up the person called Rachel.

Much Love

Rachel xx