when do we realise that life is hard?

There must come a point when we stop

That foot stamping thought that life is unfair

And just come to know that being a human

Is hugely uncomfortable. Perhaps

It’s when we leave childhood behind,

Those painfully heavy teenage years?

Or maybe it’s when the heart first breaks?

I can’t remember the day, but I wish

That I could go back and whisper in her ear

That life is real hard, and it’s the same for us all;

So take a deep breath and smile for the world,

We’re all breaking up somewhere inside.

I sometimes wonder when it was that I realised that life was hard. I do remember thinking that life was awfully unfair and that it would be great to be anybody else but me. But there must have been a moment when I realised that being human is really painful.

Becoming an adult seems to go hand in hand with the understanding that we have human emotions and experiences that we are all going to have regardless of where we live, what job we do or how much money we earn. No amount of money will ever get us out of the crushing feeling of a heartbreak or two.

I don’t even really remember the time that I realised other people had feelings. I know that while I was drinking it was hard to understand this. I couldn’t watch a movie and sympathise with any of the characters. It feels like it’s only in the last few years that I have realised other people hurt too. I genuinely thought that my pain was the worst in the world.

There must be a point when we see that life is difficult and uncomfortable for everyone and I don’t know if it’s better or worse to know this. I wish that I had understood earlier on, but it’s definitely made me a lot more cynical.

Growth is important, but that childlike innocence numbed a lot of what we feel as grown ups.

Much Love

Rachel xx

a monster calls

frightening kid in halloween costume on street
Photo by Charles Parker on Pexels.com

His twisted hands will grasp at throats

Of men who merely want to live,

To love the world that’s shattered by

A world of ghosts and ghouls that haunt our dreams

And pull our lives down to the ground.

Those monsters tear the shroud of gloom

That cloaked the days we longed to love.

But we are humans and utopias

Will never be reality, never work

In way that are so feasible.

We’ll always be this scared,

fearing for our lives; being but a child

Makes so little difference here.

Those monsters will still come for you

In your adult world.

I’m sitting in a little side room listening to a lesson on A Monster Calls with Year 7 going on next door to me. Year 7 students are 11-12 years old so they are just at that age where they know that monsters and Santa and fairies don’t exist. They want to see the world scientifically and question everything that they are told.

However, the novel that they are learning about almost reintroduces the idea of monsters still existing even when you are that little bit older. They are at that in between age where they are too cool for everything, but I wonder when that fear will seep back into their lives?

All of us adults have monsters that we deal with and most of us would not feel too cool to admit that. For me, I worry that I am not enough and that I am evil and that everyone can see these awful flaws. That is the monster that keeps me awake at night.

I wish we lived in a world where our metaphorical monsters could be spirited away but, unfortunately, the world is quite a scary place and it makes me sad to know that those Year 7s I can hear next door will come to know that over the next few years of their lives. I hope they keep hold of their coolness for as long as they can….

Much Love

Rachel xx