what is love…really?

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What is love… really?

If we hold it up to the brightest light

And turn it upside down,

Give it a shake, and see if anything comes loose.

Is it even a good thing?

This feeling we want, so much we could bottle it?

We could package it up and sell it for cash,

Forgetting the fact that sometimes there’s damage

That rips through your heart,

Ruining lives if it passes a date

Stamped on the tin in invisible ink.

It’s a risk that we take

And one that will hurt.

I can’t help but spend time wondering exactly what love is. I know that poets and musicians and every other kind of artist have tried to unpick this, but it still fascinates me.

I fell in love with Noah’s father and the fall out when it crumbled almost killed me. It was so bad that I decided I couldn’t do it again. And I have stuck by my word and not gone near a relationship in all that time.

I just wonder why something that can hurt us so badly, is still so enticing. And we don’t even really know what it is. Is it just chemical? Is it something magical? Does it need to be sought out, or does it seek you out?

As humans we are so fragile, and can have our ego dented so easily, so why are we drawn to something that seems to dissolve our walls and make us all but one?

Much Love

Rachel xx

thoughts on bravery

I question how daring I once was,

As coffee cups are gripped in cold

Relentless weather that I chose

The day I ran from you

My temerity is up on trial,

The warmth of cafes see me waver

Through their steamy shop front windows.

The pure bravado just a distant memory

As I feel for one more time

The prickly blush of dirty disappointment,

Over cheap and nasty tea, you remind me

That I chose that day I felt so brave.

is this real love

My T-shirt clung to sticky skin

As the sun would melt all it hit.

Inside the concrete garden space

We sat playing card games and laughing at nothing,

Spurred on by the fog of wine

And the shouts of angry players

Of darts and snooker and barroom brawls.

My heart was buoyed upon the humid air,

Love surely taking root?

So when that fateful blow came down,

The heart’s sheer plummet took me by surprise.

Ever tried to poker face

When the air has left your lungs?

When you’re kicking, clawing for the ropes

And icy water’s pouring in,

Filling lungs like little buckets,

Buckets that cannot be bailed.

That’s the slow and painful death

That greets a broken heart.

To you it’s just your toes in a luke warm paddling pool,

For me it’s something dark and cruel,

It’s something you could never comprehend.

I don’t know if any of you have been on a blind date or met someone for a date from the internet recently? If you have and you are a bit of a sensitive soul then you may have been in for a rude awakening.

Internet dating is fabulous if you are a lover of getting out there and meeting loads of people. But if you’re like me, it can be a real struggle just to find the courage to go on one date. And then if that date goes badly or they let you down quite abruptly, it can be heartbreaking.

I used to think that there was something wrong with me. Perhaps I was too soft or too clingy, one of those crazy stalkers who gets attached after one date. But now I realise it’s just that I feel things so intensely, and there are a lot of people out there that are just like me.

I did do on a couple of dates with someone a few months ago and I thought things were going amazing until he let me down over a game of cards in a pub garden. It was a hot afternoon but I suddenly felt so cold and ashamed when he said he didn’t want to see me again.

I haven’t been able to gather the courage to have another go, but I am becoming aware that perhaps internet dating isn’t the best option for somebody who feels like they are a bad person if they are not loved instantly.

I didn’t want to moan, but I hope that this resonates with somebody out there, who is also finding themselves to be a bit too sensitive for the rough and tumble of modern life. If you are feeling that way then perhaps we could date each other. We may not be compatible but we’d end up staying together forever out of fear of hurting each other. That sounds like an excellent basis for a long and happy relationship.

Much Love

Rachel xx

can we try again?

Going back to that old house

Dilapidated crumbling walls

The memory of the bright red paint

And gilt framed mirrors shining back

A warmth that’s maybe gone for good.

*

I know this was a special home

Once upon a time

I still can hear the ghostly laughs

Whistling through the rooms

They were happy times indeed

But can we bring it back to life

Or is this house a broken dream

The time of death’s already called

And this sweet love cannot be fixed

With sorry whispered in deaf ears.

A bit about divorce

The axe has fallen and the blade is sharp,

It slices through the wooden block with ease.

I wish that I could wrap my arms around it

And hold together those two pieces.

But the axe is harsh and does not care,

About my feelings and my sentimental wishes.

The axe, it cares about the bottom dollar,

It cares about an even split,

A “fair” divide between the two opposing sides.

It’s never quite that simple though,

To cut straight through those rings of time,

Without a wrenching of the heart.

It hurts as though it’s I who takes the blow.

And there is nowt that I can do,

Bar watch the gleaming blade come down

And hope that from the mess that’s made,

Something new can grow and bloom.

I’ve been unfortunate enough to be divorced. I git married really young and in a hurry and it all ended badly before I turned twenty two. When I went through my divorce we had only been together for a short time and we had no house or savings, so the divorce was mainly just paperwork. However, now my parents are getting divorced and I am seeing a whole new side to the process.

My parents have been together since the 1980’s and they own a house. I’m a grown up now so I really shouldn’t have much to do with this but I want to support my dad so I went along to his meeting with the solicitor today. And it was horrible.

I just think about all that they have built together and it is getting trashed and I could see the sadness written all over my dad’s face. It was heartbreaking. And I know that I shouldn’t expect inheritance but I’m so sad that the house I grew up in is going to be sold and have somebody else living in it.

The solicitor was excellent but she spoke of the divorce entirely in monetary and legal terms and it all felt so clinical. I wanted to pipe up in the middle of the meeting and say that I didn’t want it to happen and that the house contains so many memories that I don’t want it sold. But that’s not the way the world works and so I had to just sit quietly and watch my history melt away over the course of an hour.

If any of my readers are going through a family breakdown, I hear you. I’m not even involved in this one but it probably hurts even more than my own divorce. Stay strong and keep hold of your dignity. It’s really tempting to lash out but you will feel good for only a short while. Bite your tongue and just practice some self love. I know it’s hard but we can all do it together.

Much Love,

Rachel

If you are having any family issues you can get advice from the Relate website.

could anybody ever love me?

there is a tape recording in my brain,

i find it starts to play at times

when i am stressed or tired or sad.

the voice is somewhat sinister

although there is the chance it’s me.

she tells me that i am unlovable,

a joke, a blemish on society.

she repeats herself, looping round and round.

she carries on until i crack,

until i start believing in

the horrid words she says.

i wish i had some evidence

to throw back in her face.

but there has only been the one

and it was he who pulled the rug

from underneath my feet.

and since that ghastly day back then

she’s continued with her rant,

repetitive and sometimes boring

but always there and always gnawing

at the edges of my mind.

reminding me that i can never

be the woman that’s loved forever.

I sometimes worry that I am the most unlovable person ever. I worry that my husband only married me for a passport and in the ten years since he left us, I have had no boyfriends.

I’ve watched all of my friends go through a plethora of men while I’ve had nothing. It hurts to think that maybe I’m really ugly or really nasty or not successful enough to warrant love. Or am I sabotaging relationships that could have grown into something? Who knows. All I can tell you is that I feel as though nobody has ever loved me.

And now, to make matters worse my family has just imploded and my parents are getting divorced. I have leaned on them so heavily and now I feel like I have lost one of them. I am genuinely scared that everyone I love is slowly slipping away and soon I will have nobody.

I know that I am strong and things happen in their own time, but when that little tape recording in my head clicks on, it’s really hard to shake the idea that I must be a burden. I hope that anybody else who is feeling this way at Christmas can find some nice people to spend time with. There is always somebody who cares about you and they would miss you terribly if you weren’t there. Stay strong and remember that God takes his own time and He will bless you with exactly what you need at exactly the right time.

Much Love

Rachel xx