little cracks everywhere

Little cracks can splinter through the whole,

They let in light and breeze that chills

And faith can filter through those streaks

That mar the edges of the vase I sculpt.

I want that faith, like air into the lungs,

Like rich nutritious food to build,

I need it even when its light is weak,

One day it will be filling up my life again.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m going through a bit of a tough time with my faith. I haven’t turned my back on it but the way my mother has behaved since she has become a Christian has made me feel suspicious of the church. I’ve been hurt and I think that it’s a natural reaction to shy away when that happens.

The funny thing is that every time I’m feeling a real hatred over everything that has happened, those are the times that the light finds its way into my life.

For instance, I’ll be feeling so sad and angry about my mum all day and then I’ll watch Strictly Come Dancing and a Lauren Daigle song will be played. This is a popular prime time show and they choose a worship song to dance the Viennese Waltz to.

I think that’s amazing, that Rescue should be played when I really feel I need rescuing.

And when I’m running and feeling angry at the world, it’s then that somebody runs past me the other way and smiles and tells me I’m doing an excellent job. They’re like little gifts that are sent my way when I need them the most.

I think that everyone needs to stumble in their faith at times. I am hoping that the struggles I have at the moment will only lead to a stronger faith. Because I need it. I need that love back in my life.

Much Love

Rachel xx

losing my religion

I will cling for as long as I can

Like I did to those ropes at school;

The ones that they made us climb in PE,

And I’d often get stuck at the top,

My hands burning with fear and rage,

Unsure how awful the fall could be.

I often feel like I’m struggling with my faith. It’s a mix of two things that make me struggle, but between those two things I am often left feeling like a terrible person, and I’m not sure that that’s the point of religion?

On the one hand, I’m really anxious. I started a new church just a few months before lockdown and I didn’t really get to know people well enough. Then, when the churches closed, I drifted even further away and now I feel too distanced to go back.

The very thought of walking into a building full of people I don’t know, all of us wearing masks, is too much for me to deal with. I can sometimes give up on the idea of going with minutes to spare and it can send me into a bit of a spin (this is what happened tonight).

The slightly more difficult thing to deal with is what happened with my mum. It was after going to an Alpha course for three weeks that she started to lock me out of the house and say that I was a devil worshipper. It felt like she became this unrecognisable person as soon as she became a Christian.

This just made me back away from a God that I had come to love; a God who had got me through getting sober. I couldn’t understand why a loving God would take my mum away from me like that.

I still don’t have any answers and I’m still struggling with my faith. I wanted to go to church but I just couldn’t face it. I feel so anxious that I could even turn to drink if I wasn’t doing so well in the rest of my life.

Has anyone else had a wobble in their faith like this? Is it normal? Do you have any answers as to why God would want this to happen to my mum? I really don’t want to turn my back on the church but it makes me ill trying to go.

Sorry, that this has been a bit whinge-y but it’s eating me up and I am sure there are other people out there who have felt these very same feelings.

Much Love

Rachel xx

PS I’ve chosen to include the Lauren Daigle track rather than the REM one because her voice has got so many people through so much.