hidden little handwritten notes

person holding a sticky note
Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

I don’t need an expensive gift

To know that you are thinking of me,

Just a token under the pillow

Or a thoughtful line pinned to the windscreen,

Something to hold in the queue for my coffee,

To reread again in my office booth.

All that I need is a gentle reminder

That we go together like the moon and the stars.

I love a little bit of cheese. I’m ashamed to admit it but I really love the sweet little gestures in life; the things that don’t really cost anything, but that show me someone is thinking about me.

When I was in a relationship I always loved letters and cards or him bringing my favourite ice cream home from work. Just those token gestures were special to me.

The other day I was feeling really sad and when I got into my car I closed the door and just let myself sob in a really self indulgent kinda way. I was rummaging around to find a tissue when I found a little rolled up strip of paper that had been dropped between the front seats.

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and unrolled the note that just said ‘I’m really glad that you’re my friend’.

I have no idea who wrote this note, but just reading something nice made me feel so much better. To be truthful, I don’t even think the note was for me; I think it may have dropped out of my son’s school bag when I gave him a lift home.

But that’s beside the point. It was nice to read something, anything!, kind and pleasant and it showed me how powerful a few nice words can go towards brightening someone’s day.

I kept the scruffy bit of paper for a couple of days and just looked at it whenever I got in my car because it just cheered me up. Even if it wasn’t for me, I told myself that it was for my son and I brought him up to be the charming young man that he is (so I guess that means I can vicariously take some credit for his niceness to other people (right?))

I just wanted to write this in the hope that whoever reads it might be persuaded to write a nice note to someone. Even if it’s a work colleague that you know is having a bad time, I’m sure it would be appreciated and it’s always nice to send out some positive energy into the world.

Much Love

Rachel xx

i expected it to be….ummm….a little bit longer

adult art batis bhfyp

He fell for her the moment that he saw

Her red dress that matched her lips

And the way she laughed at a joke

He knew wasn’t funny.

For her it took years

Of sleeping beside him and staring

At the ceiling at night, wondering

If he was the one.

I’ve been having a little think about love recently, particularly how we fall in love. I’m a long time singleton and although I’m happy in that I sometimes wonder how I’m supposed to make that leap.

Do you fall in love in an instant? Or is it a slow building of trust and love? The logical part of me understands that to a certain extent it is a blend of the two, but there must be a spark somewhere, mustn’t there?

I’m starting to worry that maybe I’m a person with no spark that anyone can see. I hope it’s not the case but I could be intolerably dull, or really offensive, or maybe I smell really bad.

I think a lot of the problem for me is that I’m scared and it makes me hesitant, and I think that men can detect that. I think if I’m to have a hope in hell of having ‘that spark’ I’m going to have to let go and take the leap.

I have also spent a long time feeling like my life will be something out of a romcom and I will eventually fall in love with my best boy mate who I’ve been friends with for years. The only problem there is that I don’t like to leave the house for anything other than work so I don’t really have any boy mates.

Oh well, I’m sure someone will come into the petrol station where I work, order a flat white, and realise that I’m the one. And then maybe we can be friends for a decade so that I don’t get scared away, of course.

How have you all fallen in love? I love both long and short engagement stories, either way, it takes guts to make the commitment.

Much Love

Rachel xx

Underwater swimmer

grayscale photo of woman

Swimming underwater, like love,

Is cold and dark

But swim a little closer

To the rippled surface

And the sunlight filters in,

Warm and welcoming

It beckons us

And when we gasp

That bubbled air

We know we’re where we’re meant to be.

dancing with the stars

The music doesn’t drift, it hammers through the air,

With particles punching at the skin, as shoes

Tight and painful buckle at the ankles.

Even the dress, that waterfalls with rhinestone jewels

That makes the crowd just gasp with undivided joy,

Even that just makes me sigh with utter disappointment,

Knowing that the man across the floor

Will take a bow in three minutes twenty-six

Seconds of an artful swirl of high delirium.

But then his grip will tighten on my arm,

The smile will fade and grimace will replace.

Always know that there behind the glitz and glam,

There always lies a darker side.

the boy that was magic

We sat in lines and I

Could only see his hair

And a little of his nose

But I knew from just the way

He raised his hand and spoke

To the class who held their breath

Collectively

It was first sight love en masse

There are some people who just have that magic about them. I have no idea how they do it, but they are the people that change the chemistry of a room when they walk into it. In some ways I envy those people, but in others I quite like to just quietly admire them from afar.

Much Love

Rachel xx

coward

They describe it as yellow

But that feels too sunny

Because this is a dark and lifeless emotion

It barricades out all of the love

And what is a life lived behind the glass plate

Never to know what it could be like

To sing alongside the love of my life

In a smoke laden bar

Where nobody listens

As they patiently nurse

Their precious real ale.

But we wouldn’t care as we finally touch

Skin to skin as voices lace together

And the prison is gone.

I have been single for so long and I know that the main reason is because I’m a coward. I don’t say this because I hate myself, but because I know that I run on fear and a lot of it is because of the way that I was brought up.

I was taught that if I wasn’t perfect, I was not worthy of love and this fear has followed me into adulthood. I’m so worried that if I let my guard down a partner will see my flaws and completely reject me.

It’s all because I’m a coward and that is dark; it’s not yellow.

If you are struggling with the fear of letting down your barriers, I completely understand. Being vulnerable is so hard but I know that it’s fragile. It’s made of glass and once it’s been smashed through, life becomes easier. The first step is always the hardest, so take it.

Much Love

Rachel xx

the parent child contract

Were you aware that they pick you?

They’re up there in Heaven,

(Or wherever it is that babies come from)

Looking down and pointing

To all the parents that they may want.

They may have a checklist

And if we meet their criteria

Then they will offer us a contract

That can only be signed

With a heady mixture of love and pain.

So be careful when you wish

You had more money or time.

That babe in your arms

Picked you out of everyone else.

Don’t let them down

And don’t break the contract

They need you to honour.

I’ve always had this funny little belief that babies pick their parents. I couldn’t tell you exactly how it worked, but I definitely think that I was paired up perfectly with my child.

But also, if you think of it in this way, you start to feel much more lucky and grateful when you are starting to feel a little bit frazzled. It feels like such an honour to be picked by a person, to know that they want to spend all of their formative years with you. This becomes even more incredible when you don’t have much money and you think that your child chose you over Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow. Pretty cool, huh?

Anyway, I know how hard parenting is at the best of times so I really feel for you if you are struggling (especially if you are in the baby phase and struggling to get a full night’s sleep!). But stay strong and know that you are in the right place with the right people at the right time.

Much Love

Rachel xx

the royal drama

The wedding captured all our hearts,

We waved our flags wished them well.

The hope for future happiness?

It’s what the papers used to sell.

*

But as the years ticked by with speed,

Our hopes and dreams began to fail,

The love affair with our duchess

Had long before, set out to sail.

*

Who should take the weight of blame?

Was it them who riled the press?

Or was it us who pushed her down

Even though she showed distress?

*

But now we need to step away,

To look at what we’ve done again.

We’ve pushed a family to the edge

And not learnt lessons from back then.

*

Listen to his woeful words,

He’s lived through this one time before.

Those words, they prove that just because he’s royal,

It doesn’t mean that he’s not human at the core.

I’ve been watching the royal drama unfold with bated breath over the last couple of weeks. I love the royal couple and all I wish for is their future happiness. But I really didn’t expect all of this when I watched their wedding less than two years ago.

Watching this play out on the news has been a good reminder of what is important. Harry and Meghan never have to worry about money; some would say that they have the charmed life. But under the press scrutiny that she has been under it would be hard for anybody to live.

And then you throw into the mix the fact that Harry’s beloved mother was killed in a car accident involving the press and you can see why he is so protective of Archie and Meghan. It’s no wonder that he has made the decision to step back from everything he has ever known.

I think that we should all take from this that the most important thing in life is love. Harry looked so upset as he gave his speech about the split last night and I am sure that he is pining for a normal life with his wife and child. He is probably pining for a life a bit more like the life that I complain about. This week I will make sure that I am a bit more grateful for having exactly what I have in my possession. And I will definitely be saying a prayer for Harry and Archie and hoping that they have the life that they were probably dreaming of when they got married on that magical day.

Much Love

Rachel

the supermarket frozen aisle

The frozen food section at a quarter to twelve,

It’s a lonely place to be.

The only sound, the humming of the freezers

And the distant beep of check out girls

Scanning chips and apples, loaves of bread.

It is the place I’ve always come

Since that day you left in June.

The cold it keeps me from expiring,

Earlier than I ever should.

The sad and lonely men who drift on by,

Holding empty baskets on their arms,

Are a sad reminder of what I have become.

Their vacant eyes and down turned mouths,

Reflect with painful accuracy,

The person who I’m bound to be

A few years down the line from now.

I wish that I’d tried harder,

I wish that I’d clung on some more.

And then I’d come on shopping trips

With other couples while the sun is up.

But now I’m destined to drift around

This ghostly version of the life that I once had,

Where sad and lonely folk all pass

Underneath the buzzing lights

Of the frozen aisle.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a supermarket in the middle of the night, but it can be a little bit depressing. If you compare it to the hustle and bustle of a Saturday morning, when all of the young families and loved up couples are out in force, there is a stark contrast.

I always think that the people who go shopping in the middle of the night go there to avoid these happy people because they are sad. They don’t want to be reminded of the happiness that they are missing out on. And sometimes I wonder if they are deliberately avoiding it because they once were one of those happy people and the pain of what they lost is too great for them to bear? Perhaps they went through a divorce and now they can’t even entertain the idea of going shopping in amongst all of those happy families?

I always wonder how people end up in the places they do and I feel a great deal of empathy towards the people who I think might have a story to tell. People tend not to choose to be alone and drifting around the supermarket at midnight. There is normally a story to tell and this poem scratches at the surface of this.

If you are alone and wandering around the shops at a ridiculous hour then I hope that you can reach out and find some companionship somewhere in this world.

Much Love

Rachel xx

sorry seems to be the hardest word

In the dark, deserted loneliness

Of the place we once called home,

You whispered several thousand words,

That all expressed how sorry that you were.

But when the day crept into view,

Those empty words began to scatter,

Like spiders when they scuttle

For the safety of the nooks and crannies.

It seems that when the world awakes

And sunlight streams in through the cracks,

You don’t seem so sure you’re wrong.

Or if you are, you’re too ashamed

To admit that what you did, it hurt.

Better to pretend it’s me

That should be shouldering the blame.

Ever been blamed for something that wasn’t your fault? Or had someone change their story when they start to look bad? I can sympathise and I know that it hurts somewhere deep inside.

The problem is that as humans we all have our own story to tell and our own truth. A lot of the time we don’t even know what the truth is because we can make ourselves believe the story we have made up in our own minds.

What really hurts is when someone admits that they have hurt you and say that they are sorry, then when they get out into the public domain, they change their story and say that you have hurt them. It makes you feel like you want to go out into the street and shout so that everybody knows YOUR truth.

But as much as it hurts, it’s always best to remain quiet and graceful. Mouthing off in the street (or on Facebook) doesn’t do anybody any favours and it particularly reflects badly on you. It’s so much better to sit quietly, smile and make everyone think that nothing is hurting you. It’s the hardest thing to do EVER, but it’s so worth it.

Remember that if you are on the receiving end of this, you know your truth. The person on the other side of the fence has their own story and their own reasons for their behaviour. Just try to smile and send love their way. Keep your dignity in tact, you’ll be grateful of it further down the line.

Much Love,

Rachel xx