losing my religion

I will cling for as long as I can

Like I did to those ropes at school;

The ones that they made us climb in PE,

And I’d often get stuck at the top,

My hands burning with fear and rage,

Unsure how awful the fall could be.

I often feel like I’m struggling with my faith. It’s a mix of two things that make me struggle, but between those two things I am often left feeling like a terrible person, and I’m not sure that that’s the point of religion?

On the one hand, I’m really anxious. I started a new church just a few months before lockdown and I didn’t really get to know people well enough. Then, when the churches closed, I drifted even further away and now I feel too distanced to go back.

The very thought of walking into a building full of people I don’t know, all of us wearing masks, is too much for me to deal with. I can sometimes give up on the idea of going with minutes to spare and it can send me into a bit of a spin (this is what happened tonight).

The slightly more difficult thing to deal with is what happened with my mum. It was after going to an Alpha course for three weeks that she started to lock me out of the house and say that I was a devil worshipper. It felt like she became this unrecognisable person as soon as she became a Christian.

This just made me back away from a God that I had come to love; a God who had got me through getting sober. I couldn’t understand why a loving God would take my mum away from me like that.

I still don’t have any answers and I’m still struggling with my faith. I wanted to go to church but I just couldn’t face it. I feel so anxious that I could even turn to drink if I wasn’t doing so well in the rest of my life.

Has anyone else had a wobble in their faith like this? Is it normal? Do you have any answers as to why God would want this to happen to my mum? I really don’t want to turn my back on the church but it makes me ill trying to go.

Sorry, that this has been a bit whinge-y but it’s eating me up and I am sure there are other people out there who have felt these very same feelings.

Much Love

Rachel xx

PS I’ve chosen to include the Lauren Daigle track rather than the REM one because her voice has got so many people through so much.