well, i guess it’s not that bad

selective focus photograph of black crow
Photo by Tom Swinnen on Pexels.com

There are times when I moan and moan about things that really do feel bad. And then you watch the news or a documentary about somebody who has something really awful happening to them and you get that dull pang in your heart. You realise what a selfish piece of work you are and then you feel really bad about yourself.

This happens to me all of the time. I don’t think that we should be judging people on the quality of their misery though. What really hurts to you, might mean nothing to me, and vice versa. I hate it when people make out that celebrities don’t have the right to be miserable because they are rich. All the money in the world can’t take away tragedy and illness.

But sometimes, I think I’m struggling and then I hear about somebody else that is suffering worse than me and, no matter how hard I try, I can’t help but giggle at their pain.

I bumped into somebody from my course today and she was telling me that she was having a dreadful time at her school placement. I nodded knowingly, thinking about my own problems with interfering parents, thinking she was going to have similar woes.

She went on to tell me that she isn’t teaching at all because the school can’t seem to get organised. But she continued about how the head of department lies around in the work room vaping. Then they also have a wild bird that comes into the office. The staff feed it and it just flies around inside and they think nothing of it. She made the mistake of leaving her notebook in the office and it had been pecked to pieces by the time she got back.

I knew I shouldn’t laugh, but this just tickled me and was enough to give me a bit of a kick into the final week of half term. I can do this; I’m not being attacked by any wildlife, so I can’t complain.

Much Love

Rachel xx

anyone else just freeze up?

When Life with the dreadful capital L

Heaps on the careful demands of the day

I don’t run into action with rifles and bombs,

I just stand in the trenches, waiting for death,

My heart in my mouth as I watch people burn,

In glory or pain, I’m never quite sure.

All that I know with the heaviest of hearts

Is I’ll never be seeing them ever again

Unless it’s on the front of a newspaper page.

I believe that life is made up of so many opportunities, and I also believe that I have probably let so many slip through my fingers. Watching Revolutionary Road last night, I heard one of the characters say that we have five or six of these life changing opportunities and most of us let them go and then wonder why we’re sitting in a life that we hate when we’re old and ready for the grave.

I can probably agree with a lot of that, but I also know that when I’m overwhelmed, I have a tendency to just freeze and I wonder how many opportunities I have lost through that? I certainly know that I’ve got myself into trouble with my freezing before.

At the moment, I have this essay and then a lot of lesson planning on my plate. It’s not too much for me to cope with but my head keeps telling me that it is and so I find myself sitting on the sofa, just staring at the wall. I’m not even doing something that I enjoy instead; I’m just wasting the time away.

Meanwhile, I feel like the rest of my cohort are running over the top and into the fire. Of course, they may be running away from safety, but surely it’s worth running to see where I end up? There may well be something amazing on the other side of that wall of fire, and I’ve just been too scared to run through and have a look.

I’ve decided that if I freeze, from now on, I’ll just start writing. So this might be a load of drivel, but at least it’s got me up and doing something. I just need to make the move so that I’m actually doing the thing I’m supposed to be doing!

Much Love,

Rachel xx