pancakes and break ups

Today we went for breakfast,

Pancakes, and this is how it went.

It was he who ordered for us both,

Cream cheese with sugar and shiny red berries.

Not what I wanted but that’s what I got.

He spoke about work and everyday life,

His words were so empty

And so I just watched as a car tried to park

And a woman walked past with her dog on a leash.

I had doubts he would care if I said what I thought.

If I told him how tired and and lonely I felt.

I dabbed at the sticky and syrupy ring

Left by the jug that needed a clean.

He glared at me angrily just as my fingers

Raised to my lips, licking the sugar and closing my eyes.

The sweetness dissolved the heat that had burned

And singed through the flesh of my heart.

“I don’t think this is a thing I can do”

I said with my eyes still trained on the car and the dog.

“I’m tired and I need to go home.”

I stood and I left without saying more.

He was so silent, angry and brooding.

I hoped that the pancakes would not go to waste.

The sweet and the tart would do him so good,

A jug full of syrup to pour down his throat,

Dousing the fire that was burning so bright,

The flames that were flickering with a heat so ferocious

That nothing could possibly survive the inferno.

Our relationship dead,

Blackened and charred,

A beautiful mess, but still irretrievable.

Gone with the click of the door

Leaving him sad in that old pancake house.

I had no idea that when you eat something spicy you can counteract the spice with a spoonful of sugar. I ate a spicy pasta dish the other day and my friend told me to try it because I was crying with the pain. And, OMG, it worked.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how great it would be if we could use sugar to neutralise the heat that comes with anger or sadness. I don’t normally talk about my battles with mental health but I take a drug called pregabalin and it works just like the sugar in dampening down my anxiety. It feels like it smooths down the spikiness of my anxiety. If only there was a drug that could work like sugar on all of the angry and controlling people in the world.

If you are struggling with anxiety or depression, I really feel what you are going through. It would be so lovely to be able to wash it away, but unfortunately we have to work hard to get over it. Look after yourself and keep yourself safe as we go into the New Year. It’s a difficult time of year but you can do it! You got through 2019 and you can get through 2020, just one step at a time.

Much Love

Rachel xx

“Shall we run away?”

“Shall we run away together?” she had asked, her long blonde hair flowing in the wind.

We were only seven, but even then I knew that she was sad. I could see it in her eyes. And, of course, I could see the bruises on her skin.

“We can’t,” I said. “My mother will wonder where I’ve gone. She’ll worry.”

“Suit yourself,” she sniffed. She scuffed her shoe in the dust.

“You won’t really leave me, will you?” I asked.

She shrugged and turned away. I dug my fingernails into my palms as I watched her go.

I could still feel the sting as I watched her approach me on the dance floor. I could still taste the dirt in the back of my throat as her hand reached out and gently touched my shoulder.

“I’ve missed you,” I said. I wiped furiously at my eyes, not wanting to cry in the middle of a club.

“I know,” she said. “Twenty years and here we are. Maybe this is where our story really starts?”

The music was too loud so I grabbed her hand and kissed her sweet tasting lips. No need for words after all of this time. This was where I story really started.