we need community

woman with blue flower on ear
Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Those ropes that pull us tightly in

And show that we can live as one,

Branches twined in oaky plaits

Will grow so strong, stronger than

The sloping vines that graze the shining stream.

I was watching This Morning earlier today and they started to discuss a condition called misophonia. I’ve researched this condition before because I’m convinced that I have it, but I also thought that I was very much alone.

But today there were hundreds of people phoning up and speaking about the issue and the problems it has caused them. It sounds really ridiculous because the problem is that we can’t put up with the sounds of people eating or sniffing or breathing.

But it is literally painful for me to hear these noises and it can cause me to feel really angry. I can’t get into relationships because I worry about eating with another person. I hate going out to restaurants and eating at a dinner table with other people. My dad developed a weird breathing issue that meant I couldn’t be in the same room as him for years. It’s so painful I have to scratch at my face to try and ease it.

I listened to these other people who had the same problem and I realised that I wasn’t alone and I’m not a bad person. One lady said that she had asked her doctor for an operation to make her deaf so that the problems went away. The presenter looked horrified but I totally understood as I remembered wondering if I could somehow take my ears off.

My problem hasn’t gone away, but it was really nice to hear people say they have the same difficulty. Sharing our problems really does make us stronger and mine might seem a bit silly, but I drew a bit of strength from This Morning.

Much Love

Rachel xx

a touch of misophonia

thermometer on blanket
Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

Those noises!

They scratch inside my skull

Like claws of rats that never cease

To bring me pain and seething hate.

It’s never who I want to be,

But noises make a monster out of me.

I have the worst reaction to noises like chewing and sniffing and it’s plagued me since I was really young. I’m sure that many people have heard of misophonia and may struggle with it too, but I struggle to the point where it can be debilitating.

Today, I was stuck in a lecture with a girl who continued to suck her snot back up into her nose every 5-10 seconds and it almost killed me. And I hate it because it brings out so much hate in me and that’s not who I am.

I really wanted to give this girl a punch and it was getting so bad at the end that I thought I was going to have a panic attack. My vision was going a bit blurred and I could feel my heart rate going up. I couldn’t concentrate on the lesson and I felt like I wanted to scrape my fingernails through my skin.

I’ve always hated my reaction to noises like this and I often wonder what it was that caused it. I think it’s the unpredictability of the noises; I never know when the next sniff is coming and the anger I feel is a defense mechanism.

Who knows though?

Does anyone else have this reaction? For me, it is a big reason why I have chosen not to date anyone for so many years. I couldn’t stand to watch them eat or sit with them when they have a cold.

I’ve asked doctors for help and they’ve just told me to practice mindfulness. It’s going to plague me until my dying day and I just wish there was something I could do.

Much Love

Rachel xx