the funeral

angelic statue and sunset scenery
Photo by Ellie Burgin on

All in midnight black and shades of white

That hide the curves of aching flesh

That sobs with anger and with bitterness

For what was lost with that final breath.

It’s just a wooden box that lies in state,

For all the congregation to

Ponder on, the memories that they still have

Of that man that left this world like smoke

Curling in a catlike paw, that drifts into

The ether while we stand and cry

In this world of solidity, of science

And of needing to know how it works,

But these are days when we all know

The answers are unreachable, a thing we cannot grasp.

There is lots of talk about the funeral of the Duke of Edinburgh at the moment because it is going to be held tomorrow afternoon. I don’t know why but the death seems to have really struck a chord with me, possibly just because he has always been there and it feels a little like we’re all losing a grandfather.

However, it has also made me think a lot about grief in my own life and the funerals of both of my grandmothers. The first of which I was heavily pregnant with my son at the time.

We knew that she was going to die because she had terminal cancer and she knew that I was pregnant with her first great grandchild so it was sad for her that she was going to miss that event. The last words that she said to me as I leaned over and kissed her on my last visit was ‘look after that boy for me.’ I ended up naming him Noah Gene because her name was Jean.

The day of the funeral was horrible and it was the first one that I had ever been to. I think the hormones were playing havoc with my emotions and there was one moment when I just couldn’t hold onto the tears.

The car carrying the coffin had arrived at the house and the coffin was draped with the Union Jack because she did a lot of work for the British Legion. It was quite regal, in a way.

The back of the car was opened and my dad’s sister stepped forward and just threw herself onto the coffin, sobbing uncontrollably. I had never seen an adult in my life, totally lose control in that way. I come from a family that is very stiff upper lip and it was almost frightening to see.

It will stay with me forever, that day. And I think that it’s not entirely bad. Even those parts that felt shocking at the time, were just proof of how much someone was loved. I hope that the royals get to celebrate the life of their grandfather this weekend. I have a feeling they may be the reserved type.

Much Love

Rachel xx

the frustration of knowing it’s a lie

anonymous woman screaming underwater
Photo by Francesca Zama on


That is my poem today,

Because sometimes it builds

Inside your chest

And all that comes out is an


No words are enough,

Just screams in the void.

Have you ever had somebody tell a lie about you and you’ve not been able to defend yourself. It is possibly the most frustrating feeling I think that a human being can feel.

My mother is just terrible for spreading lies. She’s told people that I have stolen thousands of pounds from her. Then she said that actually she thought I’d taken a book and now she can’t even remember which book it is.

But today she really topped it off by claiming that she needs her sister at the house when dad collects his stuff because he has threatened her with violence. Dad wouldn’t hurt a fly and it’s crushing to hear her say these awful things.

I heard a while back the the royal family use the saying ‘never explain and never complain’ and I really think that is such a classy way of dealing with things. Even if somebody completely slags them off they won’t say a word.

Obviously I wouldn’t be very good at that because I’ve just spent ten minutes writing about my woes. But I have to say that it is so bloody frustrating when you know that there’s no truth in what has been said. I wish I didn’t have to scream. I wish I could be quiet like Kate Middleton and the Queen.

Maybe one day.

Much Love

Rachel xx