what a wimp

purple and green paper butterflies
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So free of courage

Butterflies will keep from

The one thing I am meant to do,

The sickly feeling

Turning stomachs

Gets me every time.

I was supposed to tell my boss that I got the job today… and I wimped out. Which is typical Rachel behaviour, and makes me realise what a flake I can sometimes be. There are occasions where many seven year olds would have more courage than I can muster.

I spoke to Noah about it when I got home and it made me realise that drinking has a lot to do with this. I spent fifteen years masking my feelings with booze and now, when those feelings become too strong, I find it really hard to cope.

Whenever I had a difficult email to send, or I had to listen to my voicemails, or open a brown envelope, I could have a couple of vodkas and I would just about have the confidence to do what I needed to do.

Now, it physically hurts me to do these things with no crutch. But this is all a part of recovery and I will do it and I will learn to become a fully functioning adult.

For now, I’m just a bit of a melt.

Much Love

Rachel xx

feeling too attached for my own good

a close up shot of rubber bands
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The bonds are like the rubber bands

I wrap around the homework bundles

Cutting into paper edges, tight

Uncomfortable but also comforting

A paradox, if ever you have felt that way?

But sometimes they must snap away

Stinging skin but making room

To breathe and be myself again.

I don’t know about other people but, I get really attached to places once I get involved and it really surprises me how strong those bonds are once they have been wrapped around me.

I have a job possibility that has just come up, really close to home so there would be no need to drive. It is also a nice small school and the behaviour is much better than where I am.

I asked Noah what I should do and I didn’t even manage to finish my sentence and he had said ‘go for it’. That tells me that maybe this could be a good move – don’t forget I drive for an hour a day and petrol has gone up by over 50% since I started my job last year.

I wish that I didn’t have this need to please people who probably don’t care all that much about me. I really do like the people I work with but I have no best friend or impending promotion, so why am I procrastinating? Why do I find this so bloody hard? Do you feel unbearably attached to workplaces or teams when there’s little to keep you there?

Much Love

Rachel xx

i feel a bit like i owe them

person under umbrella
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There’s a massive debt

That hangs so heavily

Over my head

Like a storm cloud

Ready to open the floodgates

And let torrents run riot;

If only I had trust

In what I could be

This rain cloud would blow

Over and I

Could shine in the light.

I’m getting so nervous about starting my new job in July and I think a lot of the problem is down to the fact that I feel like they have only taken me on as a favour. I feel like I owe them for employing me.

However, I’ve been chatting with one of my colleagues in my placement school and she said I really need to stop thinking in that way. They must have seen something in me when I did my interview so I have something that they want.

I really need to shake off that feeling that I owe everyone some kind of debt of gratitude for wanting me in their life. I think most people would tell me to get lost if they didn’t want me around.

I do have something to offer to the world, as does everyone. I think it’s a really British thing to doubt our abilities and worry that we are just a burden on those around us. I think it’s really important that we all start to realise our worth and remember that if we get a job, we should be thankful, but also know that we were chosen for a reason and they should be glad to have such a fabulous person on their team!

Much Love

Rachel xx

wobbling on the edge of the precipice

cave with hole at the top photo
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It’s dark down there, as I’m hovering on the edge,

And I want to lean and stare right in,

Like chicken on the railway lines,

The danger seems exciting now

But who can tell what lies below.

I keep feeling like I’m wobbling on the edge of the precipice and I’m determined not to fall in this time. I’ve been on the edge so many times so I know all too well how miserable the fall can be.

This time around I’m using everything I’ve learnt in sobriety to make sure I don’t fall. I’m stressed but I know that people want to get me through this course. Before I would have obsessed over the weird look my mentor gave me a 11:27am two Thursdays ago. I would be convinced she wants me to fail and I’d have eventually cracked.

It could be terrifying when it happened but I know to back away from the hole now. It might be enticing to look over the edge but a slip is not worth it. And now I know that there is nobody there wanting to intentionally push me over the edge!

I am finding that I’m not getting the tight chest that I used to get when I was stressed. And I know when to put things down. If a form or an essay is getting too much I put it down, if only for an hour or two.

If you are struggling with work loads at the moment I can feel your pain. I hope things get better, particularly if your like me and you’re new. It can be such an uncomfortable time when you don’t know people well enough to lean on them, so I’m sending you lots of positive thoughts.

Much Love

Rachel xx

when you only know half of the story

He hates me

And it’s quite a simple thing.

That’s the way my mind will always read

A flash of hate, rebellion,

That boils up like a lightning strike.

There’s never been a chapter written

Earlier than the one I started in.

There’s never been an explanation

Other than the simple fact

That I could never be as good,

Could never be as liked.

If only I could one time see that character

Before the opening scenes.

To understand just what he feels

And that it has so very little

To do with me.

I still very frequently get that distinct feeling that I’m not like, that I’m not good enough. It’s always based on some sort of evidence which just makes the feeling worse, because I can prove my point to anyone who wants to tell me that I’m being silly.

However, I have started to realise that my evidence never takes into consideration anything that has happened into the moment in question. Since getting sober I have started to turn this around and it’s really starting to dawn on me, how hard I was making my own life for myself.

A perfect example happened yesterday at my new job as a Teaching Assistant in a primary school. I was left alone with the kids and within twenty minutes they were going crazy and the teacher came storming back into the room, shouting and bringing order about almost immediately.

My first instincts were to think that the kids only played up because they hated me and that the teacher hated me because I had done my job badly. I went home feeling really deflated and it was exactly the kind of thing that would make me quit without even trying.

However, I sat down today and thought through the situation with a clearer mind. I took into consideration the fact that it was a warm afternoon and these kids had been left with a novice. It was Friday and we were all tired. And the teacher didn’t reprimand me and tell me that I was doing a bad job.

All of these things need to be thought about and it really helped me take the pressure off myself. I’m sure we have all been in that place where we catastrophise something small that has gone wrong, but I would do it to the point where I would hate myself and now I’m giving myself a bit of a break.

If you’re blaming yourself for somebody’s reaction to what you have done, take a step back and think about what could have made things worse. And also, remember that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. You need to try your best to be nice, but if someone takes offence when you are trying your best, that’s not your problem. Just be the best version of you that you can be and everything else will fall into place.

Much Love

Rachel xx