what is love…really?

stone artwork
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What is love… really?

If we hold it up to the brightest light

And turn it upside down,

Give it a shake, and see if anything comes loose.

Is it even a good thing?

This feeling we want, so much we could bottle it?

We could package it up and sell it for cash,

Forgetting the fact that sometimes there’s damage

That rips through your heart,

Ruining lives if it passes a date

Stamped on the tin in invisible ink.

It’s a risk that we take

And one that will hurt.

I can’t help but spend time wondering exactly what love is. I know that poets and musicians and every other kind of artist have tried to unpick this, but it still fascinates me.

I fell in love with Noah’s father and the fall out when it crumbled almost killed me. It was so bad that I decided I couldn’t do it again. And I have stuck by my word and not gone near a relationship in all that time.

I just wonder why something that can hurt us so badly, is still so enticing. And we don’t even really know what it is. Is it just chemical? Is it something magical? Does it need to be sought out, or does it seek you out?

As humans we are so fragile, and can have our ego dented so easily, so why are we drawn to something that seems to dissolve our walls and make us all but one?

Much Love

Rachel xx

a woman in want of a husband

vintage restaurant with retro furniture
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It is universally known that a woman is in want

Of a husband to elevate status,

To bring about honour and maybe a child.

If singled out for too long,

She is officially ‘on the shelf’,

A spinster in the making, and she’d better

Get herself a cat and needlepoint

To occupy her time, yes, she must,

Find herself a gentleman, however it is done.

Sorry, but I’m still harping on about Brridgerton and all of the other period dramas that I’ve watched over the Christmas break. It’s probably becoming obvious that I’ve watched too many of them, and because I’m not very good at thinking for myself I tend to slip into their way of thinking quite easily.

I think that, in part, it’s because I want to belong to that time, but the thing that I love the most is the matching that went on. A woman would simply ‘come out’ and then she would have a dance with a man and then it was decided that they would marry and by Saturday the deal was done.

I, on the other hand, have been single for way too long. Of course, I have a child so I would be a ruined woman and couldn’t expect to find a good man, but I can overlook that when I imagine my own life in Regency England.

I do find that I like to draw comparisons between the times though. I mean, is Tinder all that different to the way that society operated back then? And, I don’t see myself as a natural beauty so my photo on those dating sites never looks as good as the other women. Does that mean that I may have fallen into the spinster category? I have recently bought a cat, after all.

Watching this world through my TV screen has just made me hope for some love this year. It’s been too long and despite everything that I’ve just written, I feel that I’ve got the maturity to understand the ups and downs of a partnership now. I’d quite like to weather the storm with somebody and get to the end of the road still holding onto their hand.

Much Love

Rachel xx

is this real love

My T-shirt clung to sticky skin

As the sun would melt all it hit.

Inside the concrete garden space

We sat playing card games and laughing at nothing,

Spurred on by the fog of wine

And the shouts of angry players

Of darts and snooker and barroom brawls.

My heart was buoyed upon the humid air,

Love surely taking root?

So when that fateful blow came down,

The heart’s sheer plummet took me by surprise.

Ever tried to poker face

When the air has left your lungs?

When you’re kicking, clawing for the ropes

And icy water’s pouring in,

Filling lungs like little buckets,

Buckets that cannot be bailed.

That’s the slow and painful death

That greets a broken heart.

To you it’s just your toes in a luke warm paddling pool,

For me it’s something dark and cruel,

It’s something you could never comprehend.

I don’t know if any of you have been on a blind date or met someone for a date from the internet recently? If you have and you are a bit of a sensitive soul then you may have been in for a rude awakening.

Internet dating is fabulous if you are a lover of getting out there and meeting loads of people. But if you’re like me, it can be a real struggle just to find the courage to go on one date. And then if that date goes badly or they let you down quite abruptly, it can be heartbreaking.

I used to think that there was something wrong with me. Perhaps I was too soft or too clingy, one of those crazy stalkers who gets attached after one date. But now I realise it’s just that I feel things so intensely, and there are a lot of people out there that are just like me.

I did do on a couple of dates with someone a few months ago and I thought things were going amazing until he let me down over a game of cards in a pub garden. It was a hot afternoon but I suddenly felt so cold and ashamed when he said he didn’t want to see me again.

I haven’t been able to gather the courage to have another go, but I am becoming aware that perhaps internet dating isn’t the best option for somebody who feels like they are a bad person if they are not loved instantly.

I didn’t want to moan, but I hope that this resonates with somebody out there, who is also finding themselves to be a bit too sensitive for the rough and tumble of modern life. If you are feeling that way then perhaps we could date each other. We may not be compatible but we’d end up staying together forever out of fear of hurting each other. That sounds like an excellent basis for a long and happy relationship.

Much Love

Rachel xx

The dating pool

So I started dating again and it’s not really going to well.

I didn’t really know what to write about today because I want to be positive and things are a bit shitty at the moment. So I thought I’d write a bit about my romantic life because it would probably give people a bit of hope. And when I say that, I mean that it will give them hope because at least they’re not as tragic as me.

So, I never had a boyfriend while I was growing up. I was seriously into swimming so every moment of my free time was spent at the pool training for my next competition. My first boyfriend (and only one) was my now ex-husband who I think only married me so that he could come to live in the UK. But I did fall in love with him and I fell in love hard. It’s a common theme in my life that whenever I fall for something or someone, I go a little bit crazy. I liked swimming and I ended up swimming the Channel, I like running and I ended up running 100 mile races. I think that you get the picture; I always take things to excess.

Anyway, I was with him for two years and when I found out that he was having an affair it crushed me to the point where I picked up a drink and never put it down again. Fast forward ten years and I still hadn’t really gotten over the pain and the destruction that it caused but I slowly started to dip my toe back into the pool again and I tried that wondrous thing called online dating. Wo! That shit is crazy.

My first attempt was one date and then he disappeared. I think I may have got really drunk and I could possibly have been sick in the bathroom so I’m sure that could have had something to do with the radio silence from his end. The second round, I made it to the second date. This time I think I had an existential crisis on him and started banging on about my bad career choices and how I didn’t know where the fuck I was going in life. Oh, and I took him for the second date to the place where I worked so I was asking for trouble there.

There were also hopeless crushes on horribly inappropriate people that all ended disastrously, mainly because I would drink and then get on Facebook and be a dick. I found that while I was drinking I had zero humility and, of course, I was always right.

Since getting sober I really hope that I’m a nicer person and so I decided to try again and still I just can’t seem to figure it out. Again, I managed to get to the second date and again I had so many expectations in my mind. I obviously didn’t tell him any of this but I had already picked out the dress and the venue for the wedding and I knew where we would live. I think that perhaps I send subliminal messages because they all seem to run away from me as fast as they can. And it’s really crushing.

And that’s where I wanted to take this post. I’m absolutely hopeless with men, but does anyone else struggle to mend their aching heart after two whole dates? This guy turned me down in the nicest possible way and yet I felt like I had gone through a divorce. The sense of rejection was so enormous that I thought I might buckle under the strain. I have even said that I will have to give myself another six month break before I have another go, or else it might lead to some sort of mental breakdown where I end up running through the streets in a state of undress.

Online dating has become like shopping on Amazon and it’s so cold and clinical. We click the person, agree to meet, and if we think we can do better we send it back. There must be other people out there that have struggled with this too. It’s literally too much for me to take. But then what is the alternative?

I’m going to propose that us sensitive singles unite and form some sort of group where we can all just talk about our feelings after a date and build each other up. Perhaps we could have a group on facebook to help with the crushing disappointment. We’d be like the antidote to online dating; the band aid that needs to be slapped onto that wound when he says that he thinks he could do better than you.

I think that building each other up is the only way to get over a disappointment. And dating creates the messiest of disappointments because you’re letting someone in so close that it can feel like they have burnt your skin when they pull away. I need that closeness of someone but not the pain so I’d like a group of happy people around me so that I can get caught next time I have no choice but to fall.

Much love

Rachel xx