my mother chose her sister over me and it really hurt

I don’t think that there’s any pain

That shoots through bodies with such searing pain

As the white rejection of a mother

Who’s chosen someone other

Branding skin with broken lines,

Ugly to the eyes.

They mark you out within a crowd

As one who’s never good enough.

My parents split up last year and my mum pushed me away too. No matter what I did to try and fix the situation, it just seemed to get worse and worse. Now she just listens to her sister and I can’t even have a dialogue with her without it having to go through my aunt.

I’m writing this to get it out in the air just how much that hurts. I think that the rejection of a mother must be the hardest pain to bear. To know that somebody who gave birth to you and raised you can’t stand to talk to you is so painful.

I guess I’ve always known that she doesn’t like me much and I think that it has led to a lot of the problems I’ve had in the past. I literally walk into situations already thinking that I’m going to fail, because if my own mother hates me then why should these other people like me?

I hope that there is a reason for this really painful time in my life because I feel like I’m nursing a broken heart. And I feel like everyone can see how hated I am which sometimes makes me just want to curl up and hide from the world.

Much Love

Rachel xx

holiday romance

are you even the same person

that i married at the drive thru chapel?

back then, underneath the sheen

you looked so shiny, too hot to touch.

my heart swelled with pride

as we stood side by side

with elvis guiding us through our vows.

*

but now we’re living side by side,

no elvis there to help us on our way.

there is no sheen

and all the flaws are magnified.

a problem that was just a speck of dust

is suddenly a heavy load

that can’t be shifted

no matter how much energy we use.

*

it scares me now that i’ve got it wrong,

i’ve made a huge mistake.

but pulling out from what we’ve made,

will the pain be worth the push?

or should i languish here til death?

*

i’m sure that many feel the same

flitting free from thought to thought,

should i stay or should i go?

*

i’m sure there’s many heavy souls

languishing out there.

one day we could all meet up

and laugh about our past mistakes

that marred our lives forever.

I’m watching Love Is Blind on Netflix at the moment. It’s trash TV but I can have it on while I write or while I crochet, so it makes me happy. The thing is that although it’s trash TV it has made me think a little bit about what makes a relationship good and strong and stable.

If you haven’t watched the show before, the contestants talk to each other through a wall and they pick each other out based on personality only. Then they propose to the person they like the most and go on a holiday to Mexico to get to know each other physically. Finally, they go back home and live normally with each other before deciding if they are getting married.

I’ve got to the part where they are in their own homes and there are some huge problems starting to show up. All of a sudden these people are out of the holiday romance stage and they have to face up to the realities.

It’s really interesting because some people are just getting carried away while others are really thinking about what they are getting themselves into. I don’t really know which is better or worse. The people thinking about it are the ones that seem the most scared to dive in. Is being scared but sensible the best way? I’m not sure.

If you’re in the early part of a relationship this is a really good show to watch the open up those questions. It shows that nearly all of us are running on fear and I think it will help you to make a decision? Are you going to jump in with both feet and fall madly in love?

Or, are you going to make a horrible mistake by jumping in and then seeing the real person and being one of those tortured souls that wanders whether there are other people out there that thought they were madly in love, but weren’t?

I guess it’s your choice.

Love and Light,

Rachel xx