memories

Little pistons fire at will,

Connections sparking

When we least expect.

And when they do

The memories come

Flooding through the gates

In tender bubbles

Each containing

Something special,

Something hidden

For so long.

I don’t know whether it’s the stress or the lack of routine but I’m getting a lot of really random memories bubbling up to the surface at the moment. I’ve heard people saying they are having strange dreams, but I seem to be getting random rememberings.

I have always been fascinated by how the brain works and as far as I understand, all of these memories are stored in our brains forever. It just takes something to make connections within the brain and our memory bank will summon that thing that we thought we had forgotten.

Does anyone else suddenly have a really strong memory from childhood that just pops up out of nowhere? It’s even more surprising when it’s something really mundane, and all of a sudden I’m left thinking that maybe that moment had more of an impact on me than I first thought.

I remember once, a boss of mine from South Africa asked if I had visited the 50m pool on the seafront in Durban (I’d also lived there eight years previously). I could not recall any pool being on the seafront at all. So this guy called up a photo on Google and something in my brain just clicked. All of a sudden a whole flood of memories came back and it turned out I’d spent a really happy summer afternoon there with friends. Why had it been blocked from my memory, to the point that I could remember no pool at all?

Anyway, it’s just something I’ve been noticing over the past few days and weeks. It could just be the madness of lockdown setting in. I’d love to know other people’s experiences of memories re-emerging. Anyone had hypnotherapy or anything of the kind to pull up memories?

Stay safe and stay at home,

Much Love

Rachel xx

coward

They describe it as yellow

But that feels too sunny

Because this is a dark and lifeless emotion

It barricades out all of the love

And what is a life lived behind the glass plate

Never to know what it could be like

To sing alongside the love of my life

In a smoke laden bar

Where nobody listens

As they patiently nurse

Their precious real ale.

But we wouldn’t care as we finally touch

Skin to skin as voices lace together

And the prison is gone.

I have been single for so long and I know that the main reason is because I’m a coward. I don’t say this because I hate myself, but because I know that I run on fear and a lot of it is because of the way that I was brought up.

I was taught that if I wasn’t perfect, I was not worthy of love and this fear has followed me into adulthood. I’m so worried that if I let my guard down a partner will see my flaws and completely reject me.

It’s all because I’m a coward and that is dark; it’s not yellow.

If you are struggling with the fear of letting down your barriers, I completely understand. Being vulnerable is so hard but I know that it’s fragile. It’s made of glass and once it’s been smashed through, life becomes easier. The first step is always the hardest, so take it.

Much Love

Rachel xx

child psychology

So when exactly was it that

My brain did crystallise

Into what it is today?

That moment when it set into

It’s asymmetric form,

Both ugly and misshapen,

While also strangely beautiful.

A pretty little snowflake of sorts,

But maybe not as delicate,

So perhaps a bit more like a sculpture

Chiselled from the ice.

Did it freeze when I was just a baby

When my mum ignored my strangled cries?

Or was it at the age of eight

When the bullies clawed their way within?

Or was it when I turned sixteen

And thought that smoking weed was cool,

In some park on warm and humid summer nights?

It could have been at any time,

But now I fear that there’s no room for any change.

I could take a blow torch to that complicated structure,

And still it wouldn’t melt.

I am me,

A long and varied, twisting, turning story,

And quite the epic journey.

Since I started going to therapy I have been fascinated by how the brain works and why we behave in the way that we do. I haven’t studied psychology but I’ve had several in depth conversations with a friend who is doing her masters and what I have learnt is mind blowing.

Of course, it is all a bit of an uncertain science, but it is thought that a lot of our personality traits could be set within the first eighteen months of our lives. So, if you have had something traumatic happen in that early stage of your life, it could affect the rest of your life, even though you have no recollection of it.

I always thought that I had a really great childhood but as I worked with my therapist, I found that there was quite a lot of early trauma. Although, it was later on in my childhood, it probably still had a huge impact on how I behave now.

This is great because it means that I know where my ‘bad’ behaviours come from and so I can work on stopping them before they happen. I’ll still act on impulse, but this knowledge gives me a bit of a buffer zone.

If you have had a hard childhood then I think you are amazing if you have managed to come through it and live a happy and productive life. We all get a little bit screwed up by our parents because nobody is perfect, so remember that you are not alone. We are all battling with that little child inside our head who just wants to feel loved and safe.

Much Love,

Rachel xx