i feel a bit like i owe them

person under umbrella
Photo by julie aagaard on Pexels.com

There’s a massive debt

That hangs so heavily

Over my head

Like a storm cloud

Ready to open the floodgates

And let torrents run riot;

If only I had trust

In what I could be

This rain cloud would blow

Over and I

Could shine in the light.

I’m getting so nervous about starting my new job in July and I think a lot of the problem is down to the fact that I feel like they have only taken me on as a favour. I feel like I owe them for employing me.

However, I’ve been chatting with one of my colleagues in my placement school and she said I really need to stop thinking in that way. They must have seen something in me when I did my interview so I have something that they want.

I really need to shake off that feeling that I owe everyone some kind of debt of gratitude for wanting me in their life. I think most people would tell me to get lost if they didn’t want me around.

I do have something to offer to the world, as does everyone. I think it’s a really British thing to doubt our abilities and worry that we are just a burden on those around us. I think it’s really important that we all start to realise our worth and remember that if we get a job, we should be thankful, but also know that we were chosen for a reason and they should be glad to have such a fabulous person on their team!

Much Love

Rachel xx

when someone says something nice

I remember when I was in Year 9, so I was probably about fourteen, and this teacher asked me to write a story. I poured my heart and soul into it and handed it in, hoping that the teacher would love it as much as I did.

Even then, my writing was like a child of mine that I sent out into the world. Any judgement that came back negative was like a stake through the heart.

But this one time, the work was handed back and I flipped to the final page and saw that the teacher had written just one word. There was a red tick and the word ‘remarkable’ right there next to it.

I recall sitting there in stunned silence. A teacher who had a degree and had read far more than I could ever dream of reading, had looked at my work and written such an amazing word.

I’ll never forget that ‘remarkable’ that was scrawled across the bottom of my page. Whenever, I am doubting my ability, I do often think back to that day and remember that somebody once saw the very best in me; so the very best is there.

I feel that as a teacher in waiting, I have such an important job, making sure that my students are encouraged in the same way that teacher encouraged me. Of course, I don’t want to lie and tell them they’re amazing when they need to improve, but I have a duty to help them believe in themsleves.

It’s amazing what one nice word can do. Even in the darkest of times, these memories can be dug out and held up to whatever light is available. Just make sure that you have some kind words to say each day. Because there might be a girl that remembers it twenty years later…..

Much Love

Rachel xx

room one oh one

Who deserves to make that choice

What goes in and what escapes?

And where is it that unlucky ones

Find themselves once through the door?

What terrors lie inside that room?

I sometimes wish that I could save

The better things that find their way

In the room that scares us all,

Where monsters lurk, just waiting for

The moment when you’ll make mistakes

And face the wrath of bigger brothers

Than the ones we know already.

I love watching Room 101 just because I enjoy finding out what other people’s pet peeves are. There seems to be a real sense of joy in finding that another person shares your intense dislike for something. It becomes almost a bonding experience. (For anyone not in the UK, Room 101 is a show where celebrities tell the host the things that they dislike and the host decides whether it earns the right to be banished to Room 101).

However, there are times when one of the celebrities decides to put something in that you completely disagree with and I end up feeling outraged. It just got me thinking about how different we can all be and how dangerous it can be having one person in power who is deciding what is good and what is bad for us all.

Room 101 is a comedy show and the comedy comes from Frank Skinner’s reaction to people’s choices, but what if we did have a Big Brother type leader who just got rid if something was deemed not good? I’m sure all of us have worked in an environment where there is a boss that gets on a bit of a power trip and banishes people and ideas that don’t gel with their own ideals.

It’s such a fine line and I think that sometimes we are getting dangerously close to crossing it in the world that we live in now. It’s not going to be long until power crazy leaders start throwing people into their own Room 101 if they dare to think differently (not going to mention any names here).

The imaginative part of me also runs wild watching this programme because I end up trying to think what Room 101 must look like inside. I have images of it being filled with Dementors and Baby Shark is played on loop until you go totally crazy.

Anyway, that got a little bit random but I do always find myself worrying about what would happen if we lived in some kind of science fiction world. That’s probably because anything seems possible right now; I could wake up tomorrow to find that aliens had invaded and I don’t think that I’d be all that surprised.

Have a great evening and make sure to tell your friends and family that you love them,

Rachel xx