I stared at the map, limp in my hands

It looked like a scrawl of red and blue lines,

Impossible to read with my heart in my throat.

You had your hands on the wheel,

Gripping so tight that your knuckles turned white.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” I said.

My voice wavered and it sounded like more of a question.

“Just keep your eyes on the map.”

I wished that I hadn’t told you the truth.

The set of your jaw told me just how you felt.

No words to describe the fiery hot hate.

The text was still open, the phone on the dash.

I wish I had known what strife it would bring,

Two people together, in a little tin box,

And yet acres between them because of this wedge

That’s been driven between them without his permission.

“Will you please slow down,” I begged as I crumpled the map.

He could scare me at times in an average day,

Glass hitting walls when those teeth start to grind.

Last time it started with a stain on his shirt

And ended with bruises on delicate eyes.

I held the map tightly and wished I could find,

The place where we were in this tangled up mess.

We weren’t slowing down and I cried out for help.

I knew that the end was almost in sight,

Closing of eyes and extinguish the light.

could anybody ever love me?

there is a tape recording in my brain,

i find it starts to play at times

when i am stressed or tired or sad.

the voice is somewhat sinister

although there is the chance it’s me.

she tells me that i am unlovable,

a joke, a blemish on society.

she repeats herself, looping round and round.

she carries on until i crack,

until i start believing in

the horrid words she says.

i wish i had some evidence

to throw back in her face.

but there has only been the one

and it was he who pulled the rug

from underneath my feet.

and since that ghastly day back then

she’s continued with her rant,

repetitive and sometimes boring

but always there and always gnawing

at the edges of my mind.

reminding me that i can never

be the woman that’s loved forever.

I sometimes worry that I am the most unlovable person ever. I worry that my husband only married me for a passport and in the ten years since he left us, I have had no boyfriends.

I’ve watched all of my friends go through a plethora of men while I’ve had nothing. It hurts to think that maybe I’m really ugly or really nasty or not successful enough to warrant love. Or am I sabotaging relationships that could have grown into something? Who knows. All I can tell you is that I feel as though nobody has ever loved me.

And now, to make matters worse my family has just imploded and my parents are getting divorced. I have leaned on them so heavily and now I feel like I have lost one of them. I am genuinely scared that everyone I love is slowly slipping away and soon I will have nobody.

I know that I am strong and things happen in their own time, but when that little tape recording in my head clicks on, it’s really hard to shake the idea that I must be a burden. I hope that anybody else who is feeling this way at Christmas can find some nice people to spend time with. There is always somebody who cares about you and they would miss you terribly if you weren’t there. Stay strong and remember that God takes his own time and He will bless you with exactly what you need at exactly the right time.

Much Love

Rachel xx

my son shouted at me today and this is what i felt

He shouted at me today.

Not loud and boisterous words,

But words delivered short and sharp,

Designed to hook their barbs inside my heart.

I don’t blame him though.

It’s hard to shift and change in life,

And being angry’s part and parcel of the slide.

It’s me who needs to handle this with grace and love,

And all the things I never got.

Later on that night

He came to me and held me tight

And in the kitchen, there we stood,

A decision made to heal our wounds,

Rewrite the past that’s caused this pain.

Between us we can start afresh,

Weather the storm that’s not abating,

Surviving the feelings that are inundating.

Words have power but love is stronger

And we’ll stay standing just a little longer.

Today I went to the bus stop to collect my son. He has a long journey because we have recently moved from my parents’ house which is much closer to his school. He has lived in this house since he was a baby and so this change has been hard on him. Add to this the fact that he hasn’t seen his nan in months and now she is starting divorce proceedings; it has led to a very stressful time for both of us.

So, anyway, I went to collect him and when I asked how his day was he snapped at me. It was out of character and it made me go quiet. I feel bad about everything that he has had to go through and see this year and it makes me feel like a terrible mother when I know that he is hurting.

He came to me afterwards and he said he was sorry and we hugged. I want him to feel that he can vent his anger when things are hard because I was never allowed to do this and it’s been really damaging in my adult life.

He’s on his computer now. I have no idea if he’s happy but I have a feeling that there’s a lot of hurt inside. All I can do is love and forgive. He does the same for me when I’m venting.

I hope that this poem can touch a few hearts. I’m sure there are mums out there that have been through a turbulent time and had to shelter their little humans from as much as it as possible. I sometimes just need a cry to get through it and that’s what I’m doing as I sit on the sofa and write this poem. Keep strong if you are struggling, and hug it out when things get super bad. A good hug can fix anything that’s hurting.

Much Love

Rachel xx