the home shopping channel

I don’t need a mattress or those pots and pans,

The shoes that come in seven colours

Or the exercise machine, that builds the killer abs.

But sometimes when it’s late at night,

I’m lonely and my demons eat away at cells of brain

That really I should cling to tightly in the dark.

And yet my card is in my hand, my mobile to my ear

And words are tumbling out my mouth

As I small talk with the Scottish man, on the other end.

I can tell he thinks I haven’t got a life,

He’s right. But sometimes he’s the only one

I’ll speak to in a day…. or week.

His voice is almost calming, like the lady on the screen

That claims my life will be complete

Once this blender makes it to my door.

The shopping channel reminds me who I am

At midnight when the tears have dried,

The pills have fizzed to nothing and

The soul has left my body for another sad and lonely day,

The desperate dreams have all but blown away.

on missing shopping

grayscale photography of mannequins
Photo by Sunyu Kim on Pexels.com

Those rooms with fronts of shiny glass,

Lit with spotlights on the slender mannequins,

They call us in with cash and cards

To fill our bags and little holes in gaping souls.

But when the virus crept inside

The doors were locked and lights turned down.

No more balm to soothe the loss

And now I see the need to have

Is stronger than the tidal flow.

When we went into the first lockdown I was really quite happy. I didn’t care that most of the shops were closed. Everything I needed could be bought in the supermarket, so what was the problem?

But this time around, I’m surprising myself. I seem to be missing the ability to go shopping, to buy stuff when I’m feeling low. I’m not a big spender so it’s only things like a new pair of jeans, some books and some wool for my crochet project; but it’s actually making feel quite anxious that I can’t get hold of these things.

I find myself going through town and looking through all of the windows at the mannequins wearing beautiful clothes and the desire to go in and try them on is so strong.

I think it’s a case of wanting what I can’t have. It seems to be a flaw in our human wiring that we need whatever is just out of reach. I suppose in some ways it’s what drives us forward to greater things, but when we can’t control the ‘problem’ it’s not the most pleasant of feelings.

I know that in a month or two the shops will slowly open. I just need to find other ways to entertain myself. Perhaps I’ll find a new passion for something? The little struggles in life are the things that make it awesome in the end, and not being able to buy wool in the colour that I want is pretty easy to get through.

Perspective is the key to getting through these grotty times like this. And when I get angry that I can’t get what I want immediately I need to let it out in healthy ways.

God, I sound like a spoiled brat, but I hope that there are other people out there who are missing shops and access to ‘stuff’ whenever we want it. We’ve grown accustomed to it and perhaps this will change the way a lot of us behave in the way that we buy stuff. That would be good.

Much Love

Rachel xx