Do you think that kids ever realise how scared we are?

I was sitting on the sofa, almost hyperventilating as I prepared for another online lesson. Deep breaths, in and out, trying to calm my racing heart. And I wondered whether the kids ever have even an inkling that we adults are sometimes scared.

I know that I’m probably a slightly more nervous person that the average but I sometimes feel that I’m about to pass out with the nerves when I’m just about to stand up and take the lesson. It’s even worse online, because we have all that technology that could go wrong.

I have listened back to some of my lessons and I seem really calm and in control which doesn’t match up with anything that I am feeling on the inside. So, can a kid really know that I’m quite literally dying?

Sometimes I think that we are unaware how much kids do pick up on, but on the other hand, I think that sometimes we worry about nothing. I’m there worrying that the kids won’t learn the inner workings of Romeo’s mind, when actually they’re chatting on another line and not even listening to me.

I’m not kid bashing here, but I am writing this to tell myself that I’m not the centre of their universe. A lot of them don’t care and those that do (yay for them!) are really busy jotting down notes. Literally anything I say is useful to them! I just need to remember that.

And if you are worried about what people are thinking about you, you are in my thoughts because it’s a horrible feeling. But the truth is that we’re not really all that important to them. And if we are important to them, then they should love us anyway.

Much Love

Rachel xx

Being left behind is hard

I’m right where I need to be….

I sometimes watch the other girls,

Who used to share my year at school.

They glide through life and love

With elegance and gracefulness.

They seem to have this life all sewn up,

They get it in a way that I just don’t.

I’m messy and flawed and I struggle like mad,

To hold it together

In just the simplest of ways.

It’s difficult to hold down the easiest of jobs,

It’s easy to burst into tears when really I shouldn’t.

I can’t seem to act like a grown.

They tell me to pull it together

Like that’s what I wasn’t aiming for anyway.

It’s hard when you fall behind.

Everybody is taken already.

They’re loved up and married,

When you’re single and stony and cold.

They have the house and the car

And the two point four children to boot.

The anger it bubbles inside,

Every time that I scan through their photos,

Poring over the remnants of my life not lived.

I wish that I’d done something differently;

That I’d not had a baby or I’d taken that job.

But then I remember the love that I have.

The love from the people that peg me to the ground.

Not in a bad way, may I add.

They stop me from blowing away in the wind;

From losing my way in a world that is dark,

Where it’s easy to get lost

And where the bruises and knocks

Are violent and ever so frequent.

I remember that I’m not being left behind.

I’m on the path I was meant to be on.

I’m living the life that was designed for me.

It’s comforting and wondrously soft,

Knowing that someone is there in my corner,

A friend for life,

And a torch to guide me,

When I’m worried I’m too far behind.

Do you ever worry that you’re being left behind by the other people that are your age? I have friends who I was at school with and now they are doctors or lawyers. They are so successful it’s like they are not the same species as me.

But I am lucky that I have the foundation that is my faith. I know that the Lord won’t have put me on a path that wasn’t right for me because it was designed and mapped out before I was even born. That is comforting in times when I feel like I’m losing balance or that I have no momentum at all.

I’d love to hear whether others struggle with the same feelings? How do you get over the feelings of envy towards what others have achieved? How do you get over the feelings of self doubt when you think that the reason you are behind is because you are not good enough?

Remember that you are enough and you are always loved. If nobody has told you this today, then this is your daily reminder that you are incredible and you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

Much Love,

Rachel xx

Find your ONE person

So I’m a creative type and that means I like to make things. I like to make lots of things and pump them out into the world. And that is really fun but sometimes I really want success and I just don’t get it in the way that I sometimes want. I sometimes want numbers and I want them as high as possible.

But like so many people I don’t get those high numbers. So why would I want to carry on? It’s because I really want to touch a person’s heart and it doesn’t matter if it is just one person. I want to know that at least one person has read my work or seen a picture that I’ve drawn and it’s made them feel better. I don’t really care all that much if my instagram has less than 100 followers, as long as one of those followers smiles when they see what I post.

I heard a writer once say that they were at a signing and somebody came up to them and said that their book changed there life. And she said that was better than making the New York Times best seller list, and that was great. So find your ONE person and be grateful that you could have that effect on someone.