just wanting to fade away

woman wearing blue jacket standing on grass fiels
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Just to fade into the air

A whisper on the wind before

I’m gone forever

While no one even noticed

I was slipping out of life.

I’ve always had this feeling that I’m not wanted in places and I always feel a bit surprised when people say they do want me to be somewhere, whether that be socially or professionally.

It has always led me to feel like I want to just fade away, and I realise how sad that sounds as I write it. I’ve never wanted to die, but to just fade out in a way that doesn’t draw attention and won’t make a fuss.

I think that was what my drinking was about; a way of being reckless so that I could slowly kill myself off. And then there was a time when I literally wanted to diet my way out of existence and I ended up struggling to walk up a flight of stairs.

I write this because I see lots of kids in school who seem to think in exactly the same way and I hope that they do learn to control these feelings before they reach adulthood.

I still sit at home, wondering whether I should go to parties where I’m sure that I’m unwanted. But at least my behaviour is less dangerous. I just need to find the guts to get out to a Jubilee gathering this weekend.

Much Love

Rachel xx

what a legend

She’s shown us how to live a life

Of service and devotion

Never chosen,

Thrust upon her in her youth

And hung cruelly overhead

For seven decades hardly blemished,

God save our lovely queen.

I’m such a lover of the royal family; they are what makes Britain the country that it is. It’s true that they do not reflect the life that the vast majority of us live, but when the world looks towards us, the Queen and her family are what they think of.

Today the family released a photograph of the Queen to mark her Platinum Jubilee. Lets just take a moment to think about that. That’s seventy years of service.

People turn their noses up at the work the royals do, but they are almost always doing visits and they can’t just call in sick when they need a mental health day. Harry and Meghan were literally buckling under the pressure and everyone gave them so much stick, when actually they were working incredibly hard and getting a lot of abuse from the press at the same time.

That said, the Queen has stuck it out since 1952 which is insane. I hope that she has enjoyed her day and that she enjoys the celebrations we will have this summer. I remember the Diamond Jubilee in 2012 and that felt like such a special time. I have a feeling this summer will be even more poignant.

Much Love

Rachel xx