the silence of the exam room

The quiet is quite light, like shafts of sunbeams

Cutting through the dusty hall, falling on the open papers,

Several students shield their eyes as dust begins to settle

On a page not turned in half an hour, and yet the pencil

Frayed from chewing dances in the spotlight too.

It starts so light but grows with weights

As the clock hand echoes round the hall,

Louder than it was before, it’s all that we can hear.

A teacher coughs, then bows her head,

Praying to the ministers, the ones that wrote a paper for

A world of metrics and of goals; if you don’t reach

You’re kicked away, a waste of space until you qualify

To plumb the bathrooms, build the house, cut the hair,

Then you’re needed, once they’ve made your life a living hell.

Before the bell can ring, the students barely raise their eyes,

Crushed with hate and envy for a life they’ll never know.

This hall is just a prison room that’s built from infancy,

The starchy uniform is little more than jailhouse jumpsuits

That we’ll wear, once we’ve signed that job contract,

Bought the house and married someone we don’t know.

It’s a trap, I whisper into nothingness.

Run, you still have time.

that feeling of being watched!!!

eyes portrait person girl
Photo by omar alnahi on

Their beady eyes look out,

Watching, a little judging too.

They do not move although I know

They hear my every word

Fraught with nervous energy.

I just got observed in my teaching today. It’s a normal thing as I have to be supervised in every lesson anyway. However, in this one I was observed by both my mentor and the SCITTCo at the school. The SCITTCo oversees all trainees who are placed at the school so she kinda feels like a big deal.

Now, we are teaching online, so it’s not even as though I have to teach with them taking notes in the back of the room. All I can see is their little staff photo in the corner of the screen, showing that they are present.

But in a way, it feels worse. They are unmoving and they just stare out at me. I can just imagine them scribbling horrible notes about me and wincing every time I stumble over my words.

Those little thumbnail pictures are in my nightmares at the moment. Their smiles are painted on to hide their disdain (at least that’s what my brain likes to tell me).

Anyway, if anyone else feels like they are sometimes having a psychotic episode when trying to converse online – I feel your pain. I just wanted to put that out there….

Much Love

Rachel xx

if i’m not forgotten, i may get lazy

tiger lying on ground
Photo by Tuesday Temptation on

Fold in half, then fold in half again,

You’ll disappear into the void

Within the day and all that’s left

Is writings, pictures, vacant emails too

As what we were is scattered to the wind

Like long lost stardust left behind.

And, just like that, we’re into the next term. But this time, I’m in a new school AND we are in lockdown. I have no idea where I’m supposed to be and when and people are so busy that they don’t answer emails.

I’m sure that once everyone gets into the swing of what they’re doing, they’ll be a bit more communicative. However, for now, I’m a bit lost and I have that feeling that I’m floating off.

It’s the same feeling you get when you watch a space movie and the main character does a space walk outside of the space station when they lose their grip. That feeling of slipping away and not being able to get back.

Of course, I’ve made that really over dramatic, but I have the feeling that if I stayed really quiet, I could have a couple of days extra holiday and nobody would notice. Which leads me onto my next point: it’s going to be very easy to get lazy at this point.

Sometimes being given the opportunity to get away with murder leads to, well….murder.

Much Love

Rachel xx

that wonderful lightness of being

When the essay is finished and loaded

To a classroom on Google that opens its jaws

And swallows that stress and the heaviest weight

That has sat on your shoulders for weeks at a time.

When the button to submit flashes red and then green

And the laptop whistles a whoosh of clean air.

The words that you’ve toiled and struggled and bent

In two to get done a task that you dread.

But now it is done and that wonderful lightness

Of being a human, an angel, a goddess,

Done with the job that seemed not quite possible,

Now that it’s done you could float from the ground,

A body full of gas that’s lighter than air.

I felt like I needed to get these words out to celebrate handing in my second assignment. I have four to do over the course of the year so I am half way there. And the toughest term is almost at an end, so I’m doing so well. It feels like the worst is just about over.

I’m sure everybody has had a feeling at some point that there is a heavy weight on their shoulders and once you have pressed the SUBMIT button, or had that awkward meeting, or paid off that bill…. it just vanishes.

I am near the top of my hill and I am looking forward to rolling down the other side very soon. I hope you get rolling soon too.

Much Love

Rachel xx

i miss my creativity

multicolored abstract painting
Photo by Steve Johnson on

Do you ever feel that you’re rushing too much? That you’re spreading your time too thinly?

I’m missing NanoWrimo this year because I’m so busy with my studies. I’m just about managing to run but my writing is gone.

But today I had some spare time and I used it to work on a story that I wrote last year. And it was blissful, getting lost in a world that I created, hanging out with a character that I have loved before.

Oh, how I miss being creative. I just hope that time comes back one day, the time to swim in a story that is mine.

Much Love

Rachel xx