aaaaarrrggh!! part deux

The pressure chamber squashes minds

And also squashes shining lights

That started with the best intentions

And now they peel away to dark and gloomy places

Where their dreams will shrivel up

Because those stresses proved too much.

I feel like I’m internally screaming most of the time at the moment. Yesterday it was because nothing seems to go right and today it is because of outside pressures.

In case you didn’t know, I’m in my first week on teacher training and we have had a colossal amount of paperwork and reading dropped on us. It’s been a bit of a shock to the system and I feel like my head is imploding!

That said, the reason that I have started training is because I’m sober now and I have a whole array of tools that I can use to deal with the stress.

Ultimately, I know that the people who are running the course have our best interest at heart and so they want to see us pass. I know that making a mistake or asking a silly question is not going to get me into trouble.

When I was drinking I sincerely believed that if I made a mistake people would be willing to kill me for it. It sounds funny to write now, but at the time it was quite terrifying.

So, yes, I am screaming inside and I almost cried on my way home, but I’m going to be OK. I’m like a little fish that always tried to swim against the current and now I’ve learnt to swim with the river.

I hope you can do the same too.

Much Love

Rachel xx

the improper relationship

Stolen kisses in cluttered little cupboards,

While backs are pressed against shelves heaving

With staplers, sharpeners and broken coloured pencils.

If mum and dad could see her now

They’d shake their heads and wonder where it was

That things went wrong for their darling daughter.

So much promise shimmered through in her early years

And now she played with fire in the lunch break hour.

Of course, one cannot really blame the girl,

It’s pretty much a tale as old as time.

She’s rather young with hormones running riot,

All short skirts and makeup layered thick,

And he’s a male; warm blood, a pulse and wandering eyes.

At first it was a sideways glance, a touching cheek,

And then it was a meeting of the minds, behind closed doors.

She had never felt that way before,

He had, but now his wife was absent and unloving.

He never thought that he would be

That cliche he detested, that dirty older man.

But when it started to unfold, and sparks began to fly,

He saw a different man staring back at him,

A younger, lighter version of who he’d grown to be.

He wore a scent she said she liked and ditched the tweed

That all the teachers of a certain age

Had adopted as their uniform.

He found himself on frosty nights, feeling hot,

Heart rate rising as he marked and thought of her,

Wondering if she thought of him as well.

He sighed with lust and loneliness and told her to be quiet

If she didn’t want for him to lose his job.

But he knew just as well as she

That girlish whispers would be heard

While PE socks and polo shirts were folded into bags.

It added to the thrill, he guessed,

What other explanation could there be?

If only life was simple like

He’d expected, planned for on his wedding day.

And here he was, learning on the job,

That love or lust and anything in between

Is far from tidy, neat and clean.

He pushes back her hair behind her ear

And hopes that this won’t end in tears.

I’m considering doing my teacher training which is really exciting as I’ve never had a job that I could consider to be a ‘career’. Today, I went to a presentation by our local schools alliance and got all the information I needed to move forward. All I really need to do now is get a bit of work experience and then apply!

Anyway, while I was there, they were very keen to point out that the applications can’t progress until references and safeguarding checks are completed. This is an obvious as we all want to know that we are sending our children to a safe place each day. However, it got me thinking about what happens when somebody does slip through the cracks and how does a situations like this escalate.

I’m assuming that nobody ever expects to find themselves in a student teacher relationship, but when sparks start to fly I can imagine that it can sometimes be easy to let barriers down and find yourself in a tricky situation.

I just wanted to tackle this subject because forbidden love is just one of the best to tackle and it’s interesting to think about what goes through the head of the person who is in the place of power. I obviously don’t condone this behaviour but I do always find it interesting when good people do bad things because I always wonder what the story is behind it all and what is their driving force.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to share my exciting news and to assure you all that I’ll only be doing any kissing in the stationery cupboard if there is a hot maths teachers in my placement school 😉

Much Love,

Rachel xx