called up to the olympics

gray olympics concrete block
Photo by Anthony on

I saw on Facebook, somebody had written that it would be far more entertaining if the Olympics were not for elite athletes but for ordinary people who randomly get called up for any sport. So you would get a letter through the post two weeks before telling you that you had been picked for the freestyle BMX event and you would just have to try your best.

Surely this would be great for stopping all of those armchair critics who seem to think that their nasty opinions are worth anything. The people slating Simone Biles might be less scathing in their attacks when they are called up for pole vault.

I also secretly would like to have a go at the dancing horse event; I reckon I’d do quite well at that. Any thoughts?

Much Love

Rachel xx

i need kisses on the end of emails

white and brown short coated dog
Photo by Anna Shvets on

I have realised that when I feel vulnerable and sensitive, I like people to be super kind to me. I can’t stand professional conversations or emails because I just get this feeling that you’re angry with me.

When I feel vulnerable, a ‘kind regards’ makes me feel rubbish, even if you are being perfectly nice. I know this because yesterday I felt so down in the dumps and no amount of professional commiserations made me feel any better.

And then my mentor wrote to me and put a kiss at the end of her email, and I burst into tears. That little bit of personal kindness was just what I needed. I think it’s funny that an ‘x’ at the end of the email can do that. I wish that we were allowed to do that on all business emails because the world would be a much nicer place to live in.

Much Love

Rachel xx


Photo by murat esibatir on

My face reflected in the contours of her nose,

Her cheek, her chin, the gently sloping lip.

Our hair is like the snowy blonde

Of Sweden and of Norway too, No-one knows

The difference between the two, their languages

So similar, and land alike they’re practically a twin.

I’ll turn back to you when I feel unsure

Of who I am, of what I am, of what it is that I could be.

You’ll show me how to plant my feet so similar

To those that keep you rooted to your home.

I’m always blown away when somebody really looks like a celebrity and I wonder what it must be like to get confused with someone famous. It must be such a strange sensation to walk down the street and know that people are looking and know why they are looking.

When I was younger, there was a guy in my school who used to swear blindly that I was the double of Lindsay Davenport, the tennis player. And as I’ve got older, I think I’ve started to look more and more like Amy Farrah Fowler. But I would hardly imagine people could stop me in the street mistaking me for one of them.

I do think that I have one of those faces that is comparable to lots of people. I regularly having people ask me how my sister is or if my mum is better or other random questions because they think I’m someone else. I am convinced that I have a doppelganger in my town as it happens that often.

When I moved to my current flat, the guy who I hired to move my stuff literally stopped in his tracks when he saw me and asked what TV programme he knew me from. I had to disappoint him and confirm that I was not famous.

I do believe that everyone has their double wandering around somewhere on the planet. I haven’t met mine but I don’t think she lives far away so there is a chance that I could meet her really soon.

Much Love

Rachel xx


I emailed the lady at my placement school to tell her that I have an interview on Tuesday and I got the feeling from her reply that she has reservations about the school and what the pupils and their behaviour is like.

I know that the school is in a bit of a dodgy area and I can imagine that a lot of the kids are quite ‘colourful’ characters. Furthermore, I’m quite meek and mild so I’m not sure that I’ll be up to the challenge of managing behaviour in a tough school. I get the impression that this teacher is worried for me rather than just trying to put a downer on my good news.

However, this has left me in a tricky situation. The interview is on Tuesday and they offer you the position by the end of the day, so there is a chance that I will need to make a decision straight away. We’re also in full lockdown and I will be doing a Zoom interview so I won’t get to have a look around beforehand.

I’m so unsure what to do! I haven’t even been offered an interview anywhere else so I don’t want to throw away the one that I have been given. Plus, you never know what opportunities might exist at this school. I might flourish and get the chance to rise up in a way I never could in a ‘nice’ school where people stay from thirty years.

I need to make some huge choices in a few days and I don’t have the information needed to make then properly. But then that is life, isn’t it? We sometimes just need to take the leap and hope for the best.

Much Love

Rachel xx

reaching out of my little hole

I’ve been slowly retreating inwards over the past year and as an introvert, that hasn’t really felt so bad. I quite enjoy sitting on my sofa with a book and my cat. That is my happy place.

However, I could feel myself wobbling around a bit over the weekend and it was only then that I realised I’ve cut out all of my support networks. I didn’t really have anyone to lean on and I found that a bit scary.

So tonight I made sure that I jumped on a zoom call with a bunch of people that I haven’t seen since last Spring. It was so calming to just sit and listen to people like me and draw some strength from their stories.

This week has just taught me that I really can’t do it all alone. We all need to stick our hand out every so often and grab onto somebody else. I don’t like socialising and even I need it every now and then. There are times when the cat just won’t suffice.

Much Love

Rachel xx

when it feels right, in your heart

I guess it’s called a gut feeling. That feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know something is right or wrong for you. I get that feeling a lot, but I sometimes wonder where it comes from.

There are times when I’ve made horrendous mistakes in life and a lot of those times there has been that nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. And, likewise, I feel a real burning in my chest when something is right.

I could be relying on hindsight, which we all know is a wonderful thing, but, I find it alluring to think that there is something bigger at work when we get these gut feeling. These signs from above, as it were.

I’m applying for teaching jobs at the moment and I’ve had two rejections out of two, so far. But, I had that nagging feeling with one of them that it was a bad idea. I was only applying because I felt like it was expected of me. And when I didn’t get it, I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief.

Another girl on my course got the job and normally I feel really jealous and hurt when I know somebody who has beaten me. I felt the hurt of rejection but I didn’t feel the jealousy this time round. In fact, I felt like I’d dodged a bullet. It’ll be interesting to keep in touch with her and see how the job pans out and whether any of my reservations are real, or just in my head.

There is a job that I spotted today and I immediately got that flutter in my heart that it was right so I will be applying for that one, and not with trepidation.

I guess we can never know what the future holds and whether or not we can rely on gut instinct, but I like to think that it has some power in keeping us safe and keeping us on the path we were meant for. There are so many ways that my life could go from this year onwards. Who knows, I might even end up going abroad to teach?

We all just need to trust in the journey and have as much fun as we can. Even the worst experiences in life can turn into the funniest anecdotes that we can tell many years later.

Much Love,

Rachel xx

when fashions come around again

man people woman art
Photo by Sinitta Leunen on

The wardrobe full of musty fabric,

Thick velour and patent shoes

That once were in and out again,

But soon they’ll waltz back into life,

I hope, at least, as I twirl in dresses

Bought way back in teenage years.

I went shopping the other day and I couldn’t believe how 90’s the fashion is at the moment. I’m a 90’s kid through and through so my heart leapt for joy as I saw all of the denim pinafore dresses and corduroy bucket hats all lined up in pretty rows.

I just find it funny that so many people have this desire to go back to the age of about fourteen, when friendships were the strongest and it felt like we had the world at our feet. We seem to forget the pain of becoming a woman and the raging hormones that go with that.

I would love nothing more than to put my bucket hat back on and pretend that I’m Britney Spears circa 1998, but times move on and so must we. I think that for now I should steer away from those clothes but I might pull out some of the old CDs.

Why do we need to keep recycling old fashions, though? Is it because we just run out of inspiration? Or do we crave that feeling of nostalgia? I think that we really need to hang onto the feelings we had in the past. We need to feel the familiar when everything around us is changing so quickly.

However, I can’t help but feel really old knowing that all the stuff I used to wear is now coming back into fashion and some clothes I have tucked in the back of an old set of drawers could be considered ‘vintage’.

I hope that all of you 90’s kids are enjoying our moment in the sun. Just remember that the next thing to come along is the gypsy skirt, so enjoy this moment while it lasts!

Much Love

Rachel xx

on meeting the next vip in your life

photo of couple kissing in hallway
Photo by Flora Westbrook on

We met in a flurry of beer

And sweaty dance floor moves

Stepping out for just a moment

Taking air and there you were

A stranger then to me.

How could I know that you would be

The person you became to me?

I was reading a book today and a sentence popped out at me. It was something about not knowing who is going to end up being the next VIP in your life. It really stuck with me because I always spend time thinking about the first time I’ve meant important people in my life.

For instance, my child’s father. I met him on a night out in Durban in a club called Bonkers, of all places. I was backpacking and the last thing I was on the lookout for was a husband.

I slipped out of the club because it was so full of people and the heat was unbearable. This South African guy followed me out and we got talking. He said he would show me around the city the next day and he stood by his word.

We spent the next week together and then he persuaded me to stay. I ended up staying in the country for about fifteen months when I had only planned on six weeks.

But looking back at that night, I had no idea the journey that we would go on. It was just chance that we met and yet he still continues to shape my life despite the fact that we now live on separate continents.

I sometimes wonder how long I’ll know somebody when I first meet them. Will they become a close friend or a partner? I just find it bizarre when something so random can bend and shape your life beyond recognition.

Much Love

Rachel xx

why do i always leave everything until the last bloody minute?

I’m a chronic ditherer,

Doesn’t matter what it is.

Sometimes I will pay a bill

At five to midnight on the day it’s due.

I’ll hand in essays on the cut off,

Run for buses as they pull away

And train for races days before they’re run.

I long to be a woman on the ball

Who’s got her shit together

But I know I’ll always suffer

From this awful malady.


Life will always split at fragile points

Junctions that appear to have

Such little importance

And only when we stop

And realise that a choice was made

Can we consider

The life we could have had.

I’m a bit torn at the moment. We have a beautiful park right outside our home and all winter I have been looking forward to seeing it in full bloom and seeing everyone enjoying the outside space. And the COVID19 came along.

We have had a lockdown since the end of March and the park has been pretty much deserted. There were a few people out doing their daily exercise but that was all.

Now the lockdown has been lifted a little all the people have come out and I have my wish: I can see all the people enjoying the park. However, I’m now worried about a second spike in the infections as I watch people who are quite obviously from different households frolicking in the sun.

So I really am torn. I don’t know whether to celebrate the fact that the people are out and about or really worry about it. I don’t know the science behind how this thing spreads and I have friends on both ends of the scale, some want to return to normality and others want a complete lockdown to be extended. I really don’t know where I even fall on that scale.

I guess that this will be one of those junctions in this country’s history and we will have to stop and look back and see whether we did make the right choice. Only time will tell.

Much Love

Rachel xx