virus

The software’s birthed into the world,

Disc space empty, memory wiped.

Just waiting for those google docs,

The Netflix films and searches typed.

They seem so so bland, so insignificant,

But every picture, every document,

Remembered, burnt onto the motherboard,

Forming something of a monument.

Permanent and always can be traced.

Computers don’t forget the past.

Algorithms form the patterns

That push them forward to the last.

I have always seen the human brain as a computer. I think that we are born with a clean hard drive and everything that happens to us after that forms our behaviours and shapes the person we become. I believe that childhood trauma can really have a big impact on how we behave in the future, as adults. If we have suffered something horrific as a young child, I think that it can cause us to act out in a negative way as an adult. And we don’t have a clue why because it’s all subconscious. This is why I think that therapy is so helpful when you don’t understand why you are behaving in a certain way. There is an underlying reason underneath it all.

If you are struggling with a horrible pattern that is running your life, then I urge you to try therapy because once you know what might be causing it, it’s far easier to start working on stopping it. We can’t control our feelings but once you know where they come from it’s far easier too control how we act on those feelings.

Much Love,

Rachel xx

Ghost

Your ghost is always there,

It doesn’t matter how much time may pass,

Or where I am or who I’m with.

The swish of colours in the street,

It warps the faces of those figures.

Each and every one the same.

They all become the face I want to see.

It’s you.

How many crowds or queues

Do I search and find that ghost

The ghost of you who dances through

The other guests who fade away.

Because it’s only you that I can see

Since that day you left.

I want a partner in this dance,

But you are gone and no matter

How very hard I try to search,

How many times I think your face is there,

You’re not.

You’re gone.

It breaks my heart but I must dance

Alone.

I’ll see you all the time,

But they are ghosts who grace the parquet floor,

Waltzing and whirling.

One day I’ll learn, it can’t be you.

It’s just a ghost I want to see.

Ever lost someone that you loved so much it hurt? If you have then you probably know that feeling of seeing them every place you go. I got married when I was nineteen. I loved the guy so much and we had a child together. But then he left me and I was heartbroken. For years I thought that I saw him in crowds even though I knew that it couldn’t possibly be him. It was like there was a ghost haunting me every day of my life. If I’m being honest, I still sometimes think I catch a glimpse of that man and we are thirteen years on.

Sometimes people leave our lives and it’s a traumatic experience. This poem is about that feeling of seeing your loved one everywhere even when you know that it can’t possibly be them. For me it felt like I was in a ballroom and everyone around me was a dancer, swirling around, and I could just catch a glimpse of somebody with the same hair or the same eyes as my husband. It was haunting and ghostly and I hope that this poem captures this feeling.

I’m sure you have felt this at some point and I hope that reading about my experience can help you to feel better. We all miss somebody and hope that they are nearby, even if we know that they are far away or they have died. It’s part of the human experience to feel this pain and confusion. It sucks but feel comforted by the fact that you are not alone.

Much love,

Rachel xx