i’m probably not that nice a person

person in black hat standing in forest
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There’s a girl on my estate, a little bit chubby

And always on the field, playing football,

Normally on her own, in her own little world.

I find her annoying for no other reason

That she’s what I’d call a bit ‘sad’.

Her loneliness grates on me, and judging her weight

Is something that slides in my mind

Like marbles on a tray, there’s not much control,

I just think I’m bad, a core that is rotten

And I’m left wondering if there are others

That think they are kind, or cling to that thought

But inside their mind, they know there is something

Festering and black. Which is the real us?

The girl in this poem really exists and it makes me feel bad that I’m so cruel to her in my head. I smile at her as I jog past each day, but inside my head I’m tearing her to pieces and I’m left wondering what this really says about me?

I would never be mean like that, out loud, to anyone’s face; I want to be a good person. But sometimes these thoughts just roll into my mind, uninvited.

I’ve been spending some time thinking about why I might do this, and I’m left thinking it might be because she actually frightens me. Sometimes we see things in other people that we recognise in ourselves, and if that something is ugly or uncomfortable, it can be bloody terrifying.

What I’m saying is that I’m sure we all have those uninvited thoughts, but we probably need a bit more self love to overcome them, rather than beating ourselves up. I’m sticking to my core belief that I am a good person…

Much Love

Rachel xx