stepping back is never easy
It feels so soothing, stepping back
Away from lapping flames that lick
At body parts, scorching, scolding,
In a vicious way.
But then recovery is so much harder
That I’m sometimes left to wonder
Would it be much easier
To let the lot go up in angry flames?
I wrote the other week that I had a bit of a tricky situation in my tutor group when when of my tutees had a meltdown and started screaming that she was going to kill herself, to later go to a teacher and say I’d told her to go ahead and do it.
I decided to take a bit of a step back, for my own mental health. I’ve had terrible trouble trying to create boundaries in my life and it’s led me into some really dark places. So this time, I decided that I would give myself space as I was feeling really overwhelmed by that behaviour.
I still believe that it was sensible of me to do that, but now that I’ve been missing from their sessions for two days I wonder how easy – or hard – it is going to be to integrate myself back in?
When I’m stressed, I feel paranoid and like everyone is whispering behind my back, so I worry that they’ll all be whispering about my disappearance. I feel like I made the right choice at the time, but now I realise that if I’d just sucked it up and carried on, I wouldn’t have the drama of making an entrance.
This is a fine balancing act that I am still learning and I hope that I have done the right thing by myself this time around. And I need to keep reminding myself that the decisions I make need to be for myself so that I can serve the kids. If I make myself sick, trying to see things out, I’m no good to anyone. And this needs to be kept in the back of my mind at all times.