it's the best that i could do

I tried so hard that it hurt my heart

To see the tangled mess I’ve made.

Those bloody books you buy so much,

The ones that should’ve pumped me up

And made me feel just like a queen;

They tell me that I’m meant to scrape

Myself back up from on the floor.

I should be skipping through this life

Like Mary fucking Poppins.

But even Mary had her darker side.

I’m sure she struggled out of bed

On days when kids were little pricks.

*

But really, what other choice do we have?

And who knows what is up ahead?

And so I’ll pay attention to those books,

I’ll push myself to carry on

And find another way.

I did the Enneagram test yesterday and I came out as a Type 6. On reading through the description of this personality type I found that it was scarily close to me.

The type 6 is known to be very worried about anything and everything and they are always on the lookout for perceived risks and problems. If a type 6 gets too stressed they can start to become paranoid and think that they are the problem. This pretty much describes what I have gone through in the last couple of weeks!

Anyway, reading about my own personality type got me thinking about how I deal with failures and big problems. And in all honesty, I have to admit that I tend to just drop the ball and run (mainly out of fear).

I’ve realised that my personality type is known for not having much faith in themselves, they always reach outwards to anything from bosses to spouses to religion. So I’ve realised that in order to strengthen myself I need to have a bit more faith in my own decisions and intuition.

When things go wrong I need to stop running away and maybe find a different way. This sounds so basic and obvious, but when I’m in my reactive mode it’s really hard to override my flight response.

If you’re like me, next time there’s a problem take a moment before you react. Think where you could end up if you actually stick around and try again. I think of all of the opportunities I must have missed because I’ve given up when I feel like I’ve messed things up too much.

The real mistake is the giving up, so give it another go. Try doing it in a different way. The world isn’t caving in because we have done something badly. Us type 6 people can be so reliable and positive and loving if we can just overcome these crushing feelings.

Much Love,

Rachel xx

PS. I highly recommend having a go at the Enneagram test that I used, here. It gives you a good insight into where you can help yourself.

Also, if you are really struggling self help book are not going to cut it. Get to your GP or call the Samaritans. The website I used actually said that unhealthy type 6 people are at a high risk of alcohol and drug abuse. Don’t go down this path because it’s a pretty dark one but I can understand how it happens!

duvet day

I need a duvet day

Where your arms are the blanket,

Your lips are the hot cocoa

And your laughter is the series on Netflix

I devour in one

don't burn out like me!

My hands are red raw and starting to bleed

And yet the shoreline is no closer to me.

I wish that I’d let you into my boat,

Before I began to paddle my way out.

Now that I know the way this could end

It feels like stupidity, what I have done.

If I had just been a little less cocky,

If I’d taken a break,

It could all have been different.

But I chose to row out, without any help,

Without any person to take off the strain.

And now I am floundering,

I’ll never get back.

I wish I had listened, but now it’s too late.

I feel like I’ve reached a point of burn out and I know that I am the only person to blame. I have been signed off work this week because I just buckled under the pressure. However, looking back, I have done all the overtime that has been pushed my way and I haven’t had a holiday since August. I didn’t even realise this and it’s just all caught up with me.

I actually feel a bit stupid now because I can see exactly why I’ve ended up in the situation that I have. I wish that I had asked for help and maybe said ‘no’ to the odd bit of overtime.

For now, I feel a little bit like I’m stranded out there in a rowing boat. I desperately want to get back to the shore but I’ve completely run out of energy and the tide is against me.

If you can feel yourself slipping, do ask for help, even if it’s just a day or two off. I think that most managers would be happier with you if you did that rather than need weeks off to nurse yourself back to health.

Burnout is a really horrible thing to go through because it’s so preventable and you feel so helpless. I hope that you are all staying strong while we are powering through these horrible winter months. Don’t push too hard and make sure to give yourself a little bit of TLC every now and then.

Love and Light

Rachel xx

the day the princess had a breakdown

Once upon a time there was a baby born

And before she could walk

There was a spell that was cast;

A curse of sorts.

For although she could feel with impeccable ease,

Her boundaries were stolen

And so her freedom was ceased.

She couldn’t say ‘no’ to a single soul

And soon she was lost,

In a swirling black vortex, in a bottomless hole.

She hoped that one day she’d be given a rope

To help her begin to claw her way out.

But for now she feels hopeless

With no dashing young prince

Galloping through forests

To save her from death.

The curse of no boundaries isn’t fixed by such notions.

A kiss or a pill or a magical potion

Won’t help her to grow a skin that is thick.

The rope that you throw her

Will find its way round her beautiful neck,

Because this dear damsel is really just sick.

I’ve pushed it too far and now I am suffering. I know that I’ have trouble saying no because I think that people will hate me if I do. I think it comes from my days as a child where I was told by my mother that if I didn’t live up to expectations then she would stop talking to me. When I was a teenager she once stopped talking to me for a month. I had blocked a lot of these memories out but during therapy I was told that this is neglect and is most definitely behind some of my weird behaviours as an adult.

This week I said yes to overtime when I knew that it was too much and now I have crumbled and let everyone down. It’s a familiar cycle that I want to break and I feel a bit pathetic in not being able to do so. I have turned off my phone so that the world can’t reach me and all I want to do is hide in my flat.

I empathise with you if you are struggling to say no. Don’t be an idiot like me because now I’m in a bit of hot water. Look after yourself and set boundaries that will protect you from going through this. It’s something that I’m going to have to work on, but at least I have an awareness now. I just have to grow a pair and do the painful bit of the process.

Love and light,

Rachel xx